- Ruth Bader Ginsberg blasts an air horn and shouts “Rrrrrreeemixxxx!” every time the court has to revisit an old issue like abortion or affirmative action.
- Chief Justice John Roberts has taken to issuing “I know you are, but what am I?” responses every time a Presidential candidate criticizes his bench.
- Justice Scalia has shown up to three arguments wearing a velour tracksuit because “We’re going to be here awhile and I want to be comfortable.”
- If the court is forced to rule again on same-sex marriage, all have agreed that they should at least get to snack on Rainbow Doritos during arguments.
- A new rule allows Justices to just text “TL;DR” instead of writing a dissenting opinion.
- Justices Kagan and Sotomayor are no longer holding back on “Thanks, Obama. Get it? Because he appointed us?” jokes.
- Justice Breyer is going to take some time off in December to finish his screenplay.
- Thursday arguments have been replaced with watch parties for How to Get Away with Murder, on the grounds that it’s “research.”
- Justice Kennedy has been seen chugging Red Bulls and muttering “Yeah I wish a muthafucka would” in the mirror while lint-rolling his robes each morning.
- If the court has to hear one more friggin’ case on the death penalty, they’ve made a pact that they’ll request it for themselves.
alison zeidman 