10 Signs the Supreme Court Isn’t Taking Any Shit This Term

  1. Ruth Bader Ginsberg blasts an air horn and shouts “Rrrrrreeemixxxx!” every time the court has to revisit an old issue like abortion or affirmative action.
  2. Chief Justice John Roberts has taken to issuing “I know you are, but what am I?” responses every time a Presidential candidate criticizes his bench.
  3. Justice Scalia has shown up to three arguments wearing a velour tracksuit because “We’re going to be here awhile and I want to be comfortable.”
  4. If the court is forced to rule again on same-sex marriage, all have agreed that they should at least get to snack on Rainbow Doritos during arguments.
  5. A new rule allows Justices to just text “TL;DR” instead of writing a dissenting opinion.
  6. Justices Kagan and Sotomayor are no longer holding back on “Thanks, Obama. Get it? Because he appointed us?” jokes.
  7. Justice Breyer is going to take some time off in December to finish his screenplay.
  8. Thursday arguments have been replaced with watch parties for How to Get Away with Murder, on the grounds that it’s “research.”
  9. Justice Kennedy has been seen chugging Red Bulls and muttering “Yeah I wish a muthafucka would” in the mirror while lint-rolling his robes each morning.
  10. If the court has to hear one more friggin’ case on the death penalty, they’ve made a pact that they’ll request it for themselves.
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