This Week’s Jokes: Week of 9/28/15

Russian President Vladimir Putin attended the UN General Assembly for the first time in 10 years. He just went to see who got fat, though.

At New York’s fourth annual Global Citizen Festival, First Lady Michelle Obama announced 62 Million Girls, a new effort to support girls’ education. When asked why “62 Million,” the First Lady said, “I don’t know. It sounded cool. I’m a girl, I’m not good with math stuff.”

Republican Presidential candidate Ben Carson said he’s “certainly willing” to give Kanye West a chance at the presidency in 2020. If Ben Carson actually wants to be elected in 2016, that doesn’t say much about his thoughts on winning a second term.

After Pope Francis’ speech before Congress last week, Representative Bob Brady of Pennsylvania apparently swiped his water glass and drank from it. Ewww, Pope cooties!

NASA scientists announced that they have evidence that there is water flowing on Mars. Now just discover soda on Mars, and we can send the first Americans to live there.

NASA scientists announced that they have evidence that there is water flowing on Mars. They actually knew six months ago, but now the findings can be tied into the promo hype for that new Matt Damon movie.

President Obama and Russian President Putin had dinner together after the UN General Assembly. It seemed to go well, but now Obama won’t text Putin back.

After months of protests from LGBTQ activists, Stonewall only brought in $112,414 in its opening weekend at the box office. It would’ve been even less, but a bunch of homophobes organized a group outing.

Zendaya got her own Barbie doll. Because it’s important to promote unrealistic body standards for little girls of all races!

Edward Snowden joined Twitter, and his account only follows the NSA. If they don’t follow him back, he really needs to cool it already.

Edward Snowden joined Twitter, and his account only follows the NSA. Kind of a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” follow-back situation.

The Pope may have secretly met with Kim Davis while visiting the United States, but the Vatican is saying they won’t confirm or deny the meeting. Even the Vatican doesn’t want to come out around Kim Davis.

The Pope may have secretly met with Kim Davis while visiting the United States. But it was only so he could berate her for stealing his “Eye of the Tiger” thunder before he could play the song while speaking in front of the Rocky steps.

The Pope may have secretly met with Kim Davis while visiting the United States. Hey, you know what, lay off–what the Pope and Kim Davis do behind the privacy of closed doors is nobody’s business but theirs.

Georgia executed Kelly Gissendaner, the first woman to receive the death penalty in the state in 70 years. Progressive!

Ralph Lauren stepped down as CEO of the Ralph Lauren brand. He’s looking forward to retirement, when he’ll be able to sit around the house all day wearing his clothes.

Ralph Lauren stepped down as CEO of the Ralph Lauren brand. He’s going to spend his retirement riding little tiny horses and playing little tiny games of polo.

Ralph Lauren stepped down as CEO of the Ralph Lauren brand yesterday, in a move that had glass monocles being dropped all over the country.

Nicki Minaj is teaming up with ABC Family to make an autobiographical comedy series. Can’t wait for Drake to remember he used to act and start begging to be part of her TV life, too.

Palestinian Authority President Abbas told the UN that Palestinians are no longer bound by the Oslo accords agreement signed by Israeli and Palestinian leaders in the 1990s. This is definitely disheartening, because the ’90s are so in right now.

Palestinian Authority President Abbas told the UN that Palestinians are no longer bound by the Oslo accords agreement signed by Israeli and Palestinian leaders in the 1990s. Israeli leaders said, “You’re just figuring that out now?”

Congress passed a budget that will keep the government and Planned Parenthood funded until mid-December. So it sounds like Santa Claus isn’t coming to DC this year, kiddos.

Congress passed a budget that will keep the government and Planned Parenthood funded until mid-December. This is because political cartoonists wanted Republicans to wait to resume talking about defunding Planned Parenthood until a time when it’d make more sense to draw them in Scrooge costumes.

Congress passed a budget that will keep the government and Planned Parenthood funded until December 11. Right after Thanksgiving, inviting plenty of opportunity to make turkey baster analogies when talking about women’s reproductive rights.

3 more women have come forward to accuse Bill Cosby of sexual assault. Learning about new Cosby victims isn’t even surprising anymore. They might as well be shooting rampages.

Jeb Bush said that he isn’t offended by the Washington Redskins’ name, and generally, neither are Native American tribes.  You know what name they are offended by? Bush.

There’s a new app that will allow you to rate people as if they were restaurants on Yelp. I gave the creators zero stars.

There’s a new app that will allow you to rate people as if they were restaurants on Yelp. I’m developing a related app–it’s like Rotten Tomatoes, but instead of movies you review people’s life stories after they die.

Serena Williams has withdrawn from the rest of the 2015 season. But she’ll still probably win every match.

Taylor Swift donated $50,000 to help her backup dancer’s young nephew battle cancer. Of course, that was only after telling him to “Shake it off” didn’t work.

 

 

 

 

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