Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson said he “would not advocate that we put a Muslim in charge of this nation.” He followed it up with, “I would advocate that we put two.”

Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson said he “would not advocate that we put a Muslim in charge of this nation.” This is a very confusing time to be a Republican–they know he’s a black guy, but he’s sayin’ all the thing they’re thinkin’!

Game of Thrones broke the record previously held by The West Wing for most Emmy wins in a year. The cast and writers credit the feat to all the time the Stark Family spent walking through the hallways of Westeros talking quickly last season.

Jon Hamm finally won an Emmy for playing Don Draper on Mad Men. Is winning an award after your show has ended kind of seems like getting a “lifetime achievement award” in your thirties.

Jon Hamm finally won an Emmy for playing Don Draper on Mad Men. The Emmys said that his stint in rehab was what put him over the top for consideration for the award–he was so committed to the role, he went method after he was done with it.

Viola Davis became the first African American woman to win an Emmy for lead actress in a drama, saying in her acceptance speech, “the only thing that separates women of color from anyone else is opportunity. You cannot win an Emmy for roles that simply aren’t there.” “Oh OK, we’ll keep that in mind so this doesn’t happen again next year,” said the old white men who control Hollywood.

Romance novelist Jackie Collins died of breast cancer at age 77. Doctors said that after a 40-year career of bodice ripping, “the poor things just gave out.”

A yellow-bellied watersnake in Missouri gave birth, despite not having any male contact in 8 years. Big deal–plenty of kids in Missouri don’t have dads.

The former owner of a peanut company in Georgia was sentenced to 28 years in prison for his role in a salmonella outbreak that killed nine people. He was found guilty by the peanut gallery.

The former owner of a peanut company in Georgia was sentenced to 28 years in prison for his role in a salmonella outbreak that killed nine people. Nine people dead? Oh come on, that’s peanuts. Oh, right, that’s the problem.

The Wall Street Journal reported that Apple is planning to rollout an electric car by 2019. And hopefully they’ll have a car that can actually start by 2020.

A threatened species of turtles refused to nest on a beach in Costa Rica after too many tourists taking photos blocked access to the beach. I don’t like getting my picture taken either, but sometimes you have to come out of your shell.

A threatened species of turtles refused to nest on a beach in Costa Rica after too many tourists taking photos blocked access to the beach. “We just can’t afford a nest tape scandal right now,” said the turtles.

Chinese President Xi Jinping is visiting the US for the first time this week. Expect him to declare war on our country when he tastes what we try to pass off as “Chinese food.”

Chinese President Xi Jinping is visiting the US for the first time this week. He’s expected to address topics such as the tanking Chinese economy, cyberattacks on the US and China’s claims over land in the South China Sea. He’d better be getting his dick sucked somewhere along the way, because this trip definitely isn’t getting its own happy ending.

Baseball legend Yogi Berra passed away this week at age 90. In lieu of flowers, the family asks that mourners buy them some peanuts and cracker jacks.

The U.K. is considering joining countries such as France, Israel, Spain and Italy in barring unhealthily thin models from working. The models’ jobs will be safe if they turn sideways, so Parliament can’t see them.

The U.K. is considering joining countries such as France, Israel, Spain and Italy in barring unhealthily thin models from working. It’s all part of a movement to encourage models to let go of their food and dieting hang-ups and get back to being human hangers.

The Lammily Doll, aka “Normal Barbie,” will now come with a “Period Party” kit including an educational pamphlet, underwear, 18 Lammily-sized pads, and a period tracking calendar. The “Period Party” playset is not compatible with Beach Lammily Doll or Gym Class Lammily Doll.

The Lammily Doll, aka “Normal Barbie,” will now come with a “Period Party” kit including an educational pamphlet, underwear, 18 Lammily-sized pads and a period tracking calendar. The kit also comes with a bummed out Lammily Ken.

Sean “Diddy” Combs tweeted a link to a Change.org petition urging the Associated Press to stop using the term “child prostitute” out of respect to victims. Now who’s going to urge Sean “Diddy” combs to stop using the term “Diddy” out of respect to the fact that it’s no longer 1998?

A Chicago news station used a Nazi symbol as the graphic for a story on Yom Kippur. Well, Yom Kippur is a holiday where Jews starve themselves for a day–sure seems like a Nazi plot to me.

The U.S. government announced that hackers have stolen the fingerprints of 5.6 million government employees, which is 5 times more than initially thought. “We, uh, forgot to count the whole hand,” said a spokesman.

Egypt’s President pardoned 100 prisoners, including three Al Jazeera television journalists, on Wednesday, a day before he plans to head to the annual United Nations summit of world leaders. That’s like the diplomatic equivalent of only cleaning your room because mom’s coming home.

In one of his first speeches in the U.S., Pope Francis hailed U.S. bishops for their “courage” in handling the Church’s sexual abuse crisis. Does he mean courage in starting it, or sweeping it under the rug?

House Speaker John Boehner could be seen weeping behind the Pope during his emotional address to Congress. Not a good look–tears will make a spray tan all runny.

Pope Francis became the first pope to address a joint meeting of Congress this week. Previous popes looked down from heaven saying, “Well yeah, I could’ve played that room if I wanted to, but I was more focused on building my local fan base and just doing like solid, intimate shows that were more of a personal experience for people, you know?

Pope Francis became the first pope to address a joint meeting of Congress this week. But the real milestone is that he’s going to be the first pope to sell out Madison Square Garden on Friday.

Pope Francis will give mass to thousands of Catholics in Madison Square Garden on Friday night. Or, he’s going to surprise thousands of Catholics with a Billy Joel concert.