This Week’s Jokes: Week of 9/14/15

After winning his 49th straight boxing match over the weekend, Floyd Mayweather Jr. announced he’s retiring from boxing. Well, at least from hitting people professionally.

Just after pledging to take in 800,000 refugees and migrants by the end of the year, Germany  has temporarily imposed border controls to deal with the influx. It’s like if the Berlin Wall were made out of red tape.

California Gov. Jerry Brown declared a state of emergency in some areas after several fires broke out north and east of San Francisco. San Francisco is only down with the other type of flaming.

California Gov. Jerry Brown declared a state of emergency in some areas after several fires broke out north and east of San Francisco. San Francisco citizens have the Full House  theme song stuck in their heads, but it’s just the opening “everywhere you look” line on repeat.

Singer Sia, notorious for hiding her face during performances, is co-directing a documentary about her life. It’ll be filmed with the lens cap on.

Within less than 24 hours, Australia politicians voted in a new Prime Minister. It happened so fast, the PM didn’t know what was going on–he was told, “maybe a dingo ate your Prime Ministership.”

Within less than 24 hours, Australia politicians voted in a new Prime Minister, amid concerns that the current one was behind in issues like same-sex marriage and climate change. Even the elections down there spin in the opposite direction.

Germany’s Deutsche Bank announced it plans to fire about a quarter of the company’s employees in an effort to cut costs. More like douche bank, amiright?

Germany’s Deutsche Bank announced it plans to fire about a quarter of the company’s employees in an effort to cut costs. Employees said, “Have they even tried anything else first? This better be their final solution,” and then added, ‘Oh wait, but not that.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger will replace Donald Trump as the host of Celebrity Apprentice. Following “You’re fired” with “I’ll be back” sounds like an HR nightmare.

Arnold Schwarzenegger will replace Donald Trump as the host of Celebrity Apprentice. Trump said, “I have less confidence in his ability to do this job than I did when he was governor of California.”

Facebook is reportedly developing an app for users to experience videos in 3D. That won’t stop most of my Facebook friends from continuing to come off as one-dimensional.

The newly crowned Miss America thinks that Tom Brady cheated in Deflategate. There have been rumors lately that his marriage to model Giselle Bundchen is in trouble, so this probably isn’t the first time a beautiful woman has accused him of cheating.

The newly crowned Miss America thinks that Tom Brady cheated in Deflategate. Brady said, “For once and for all, those balls were inflated. Just like your boobs.”

Facebook announced that it’s getting ready to launch a “dislike” button. It’s taken this long because Mark Zuckerburg was afraid of being bullied.

Facebook announced that it’s getting ready to launch a “dislike” button. Facebook: Helping to make the Internet a little meaner!

Zimbabwe’s President Mugabe gave a speech to parliament without realizing he’d already made the same speech last month. That country’s politics are literally backwards.

North Korea announced that it intends to launch a series of “weather-forecasting” satellites in order to celebrate 70 years of the Workers’ Party rule. That’s how shitty North Korea is–for most people, making small talk about the weather at parties is awkward; for North Korea, it is the party.

Comedian Steve Rannazzisi admitted to lying about being in the World Trade Center on 9/11. But the biggest lie he’s pulled off is convincing people he’s a good comedian.

A Muslim teenager from Texas was arrested for bringing a homemade clock to school, after teachers thought it was a bomb. Maybe they’re not Islamophobic; they just know time is our greatest enemy.

A Muslim teenager from Texas was arrested for bringing a homemade clock to school, after teachers thought it was a bomb. It’s a first time a school has called in its OWN fake bomb threat.

The first question of the CNN’s Republican presidential debate was whether candidates trusted Donald Trump with access to the United States’ nuclear launch codes. I don’t trust Donald Trump to keep his email password secret.

The first question of the CNN’s Republican presidential debate was whether candidates trusted Donald Trump with access to the United States’ nuclear launch codes. Before they could answer Trump interjected, “Wait do they really give us those? That’s not just in the movies?”

Several candidates in the GOP presidential debate favored shutting down the government if Planned Parenthood isn’t defunded. Oh sure, they’re anti-abortion, until it comes to money.

Several candidates in the GOP presidential debate favored shutting down the government if Planned Parenthood isn’t defunded. They don’t even have the job yet, and already they want time off.

Jeb Bush admitted to smoking pot 40 years ago. People are shocked, because who would have guessed that 40 years ago, a young Jeb Bush was super fuckin’ cool?

Tom Brady said Donald Trump would make a great president. This guy just can’t stop lying about stuff.

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