This Week’s Jokes: Week of 9/7/15

A West Point pillow fight resulted in 30 injured cadets. Oh, so that’s why Iran is pledging not to build a nuclear bomb–they’re working on an 800-threadcount one instead.

A West Point pillow fight resulted in 30 injured cadets. Previous generations had PTSD from Desert Storm or Vietnam; this one will have it from a slumber party.

The Kansas State marching band attempted a march formation that accidentally appeared to be a rival school’s mascot performing fellatio. “We weren’t trying to be vulgar–we’d never tell another school to ‘suck our dick’,” said the band leader. “We were, however, trying to say ‘you’re going down’.”

In answer to the migrant and immigration crisis in the EU, Britain, France and Germany have all pledged to take in tens of thousands of people. Germany said, “We have a way of dealing with mass amounts of people quickly.”

On Labor Day, President Obama signed an executive order that will require federal contractors to give their employees seven days of paid sick leave. He then fake-coughed twice and said “Ooh, not feeling great. That’s it for me, see you in a week.”

The British government announced that it has conducted its first drone strike against ISIS in Syria. Reportedly, they “had a drone pop over to let ISIS know they are not invited over for tea and crumpets,” adding, “Jolly good, that’ll teach those militants where they can bugger their arses off to!”

The British government announced that it has conducted its first drone strike against ISIS in Syria. The drone was a present to Prince George, because any commoner can have a remote controled car.

Jon Hamm split up with long-term partner Jennifer Westfeldt after 18 years. God this Mad Men ending suuuucccccks.

A fan gave Taylor Swift a hand-knit sweater featuring a Polaroid of herself. Taylor has such a close relationship with her fans, she’ll probably write her next whiny breakup song about them.

A California man who was bitten by a hammerhead shark while kayaking near Malibu says he has a newfound respect for the animal. Yeah, still doing it wrong–the feeling you’re looking for is “fear.”

A California man, who was bitten by a hammerhead shark while kayaking near Malibu, says he has a newfound respect for the animal. “THANK YOU. That’s all I ever wanted in the first place!” said the shark.

EU farmers threw eggs at officers in Brussels to protest plunging milk and meat prices. The farmers reportedly feel Brussels has been focusing too much on getting people to eat its sprouts.

Donald Trump said that despite never having actually been in the military, he’s always “felt” like he was, because he went to an expensive  military boarding school. Also that he’s going to bring back “don’t ask don’t tell,” for this specific question.

Donald Trump said that despite never having actually been in the military, he’s always “felt” like he was, because he went to an expensive military boarding school. Oh, being in the army is just like being rich? Sign. Me. Up!

The CEO of United Continental resigned after news of a federal investigation into the relationship between the airline and the NY/NJ Port Authority. I doubt the results will be all that surprising–NO ONE has a good relationship with the Port Authority.

Kim Davis, the Kentucky County Clerk jailed for refusing to issue same-sex marriage licenses, was released on Tuesday. Some are saying the jail sentence was too short, but you have to remember that it at least lasted longer than her first three marriages.

Kim Davis, the Kentucky County Clerk jailed for refusing to issue same-sex marriage licenses, was released on Tuesday. That’s not a jail sentence, that’s a vacation.

Pope Francis announced new rules that make it faster and easier to get an annulment. I’ve always said, the worst thing about a marriage falling apart is the INCONVENIENCE!

Pope Francis announced new rules that make it faster and easier to get an annulment. All annulments are now available through Chik-Fil-A drive-throughs.

Baltimore officials have proposed a $6.4 million wrongful death settlement with Freddie Gray’s family. Black Lives Matter…this many dollars.

Michael Derrick Hudson, a white male poet, used a Chinese pen name to get his work published in the newest edition of the Best American Poetry anthology. This would be appalling, if anyone cared about poetry.

Michael Derrick Hudson, a white male poet, used a Chinese pen name to get his work published in the newest edition of the Best American Poetry anthology. People are outraged, not because of the lie, but because they let a non-‘Merican into a poetry book for the best ‘MERICAN poetry!

Scientists announced that they’ve discovered a new species of human relative in South Africa. You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family, or the prehistoric fossilized species that biological anthropologists claim you’re related to.

President Obama announced that the U.S. will take in 10,000 Syrian refugees over the next year. Critics of the plan said, “They’re crashing at your place, right?”

President Obama announced that the U.S. will take in 10,000 Syrian refugees over the next year. And Donald Trump announced that he’ll be trying to deport 10,000 Syrian refugees over the next year.

The Daily Beast reported that top US military officials are putting a falsely positive spin on the fight against ISIS in Syria. In their defense officials said, “I mean, it’s gonna happen in the inevitable Clint Eastwood screenplay anyway, right?”

While discussing his plans to eliminate tuition fees for community college, President Obama talked about getting emotional about his daughter Malia approaching college age. Not because she’s growing up so fast–because she’s not going to a tuition-free community college.

Vice President Joe Biden announced a federal partnership with the Manhattan prosecutor that will devote $79 million dollars to processing rape kit backlogs in 27 states. It’s Federal Grantmaking: Special Victims Unit.

Vice President Joe Biden announced a federal partnership with the Manhattan prosecutor that will devote $79 million dollars to processing rape kit backlogs in 27 states. The good news is this could help identify thousands of rape suspects; the bad news is that now every episode of Law & Order: SVU will only be 10 minutes long.

Nine different military labs run by the Pentagon were forced to halt all research on dangerous pathogens after the CDC discovered they may have mishandled some samples of plague bacteria. OK, who’s the rat who told the CDC? Oh, an actual rat carrying the plague? Makes sense.

Queen Elizabeth II became Britain’s longest-reigning monarch this week, but the queen reportedly wanted to downplay the significance of the event. “It doesn’t mean anything,” she said. “No, really, it doesn’t mean anything. I have zero power.”

21st Century Fox is buying National Geographic. Expect fewer articles on conservation and climate change, but more pictures of naked boobs.

New York City’s Board of Health voted unanimously to require chain restaurants to display a warning symbol next to menu items that exceed the daily recommended amount of sodium. Now what are they gonna do about all those salty characters on the SUBWAY, right???

New York City’s Board of Health voted unanimously to require chain restaurants to display a warning symbol next to menu items that exceed the daily recommended amount of sodium. It’ll say WARNING: THIS WILL MAKE YOU THIRSTY, YOU SHOULD ALSO ORDER A DRINK.

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