This Week’s Jokes: Week of 8/31/15

Kanye West announced at the VMAs that he’s decided to run for President in 2020. Good. Hopefully the Presidency will have caught up to his level by then.

Kanye West announced at the VMAs that he’s decided to run for President in 2020. A few years ago he told us he’s a god. Now he just wants to be President. Should we be concerned about him? It seems like he’s losing confidence.

A county clerk in Kentucky is refusing to issue same-sex marriage licenses, saying she’s acting under “God’s authority.” Wait, so you can just blame God any time you act like a dick? I’m sorry about getting drunk and not saying goodbye to anyone last week, guys–I was acting under God’s authority.

The county clerk in Kentucky who refused to issue same-sex marriage licenses under “God’s authority” has been married four times. Oh, she doesn’t hate same-sex marriage; she’s just afraid of commitment.

Pope Francis says priests can now forgive Catholic women who’ve gotten abortions. Shouldn’t the priests have the right to choose to forgive?

Pope Francis says priests can now forgive Catholic women who’ve gotten abortions. That’s right, it’s ladies’ night in Catholicism–ladies sin free!

A James Bond author apologized for saying that Idris Elba is “too street” to play the infamous spy, saying he made a poor choice of words. Maybe he’s “too not good at choosing words” to be a writer.

A James Bond author apologized for saying that Idris Elba is “too street” to play the infamous spy, saying he made a poor choice of words. Elba fans were shaken and stirred.

A recent poll reveals that 54% of Republicans still think President Obama is a Muslim. But in some show of progress, only 53% see that as a problem.

A recent poll reveals that 54% of Republicans still think President Obama is a Muslim. Not sure if that’s better or worse than the fact that 32% think he’s an Illuminati lizard person.

The Guardian reports that after Colorado legalized marijuana, alcohol sales went up. Well yeah, you’d have to be drunk to tolerate all those potheads.

Congressional Republicans are speaking out against President Obama’s renaming of Mt. McKinley to Denali, which is what local Alaskans have always called it. There the GOP goes again, making mountains out of mountains.

Congressional Republicans are speaking out against President Obama’s renaming of Mt. McKinley to Denali, which is what local Alaskans have always called it. Yeah! It’s insulting to the legacy of a President that was insulting to the legacy of native Alaskans!

Congressional Republicans are speaking out against President Obama’s renaming of Mt. McKinley to Denali, which is what local Alaskans have always called it. They say the change should have been a decision for Congress, but much like mountains, it’s easier to go around Congress than through it.

The Auschwitz museum has had problems with high temperatures recently, so the caretakers of the former concentration camp installed “mist showers” to cool people off. It’s the first time Auschwitz visitors got a choice between the oven and the showers.

The Auschwitz museum has had problems with high temperatures recently, so the caretakers of the former concentration camp installed “mist showers” to cool people off. People are pretty upset, obviously. The showers are outdoors, which isn’t at all historically accurate.

President Obama will appear on Running Wild with Bear Grylls later this year. House and Senate Republicans said, “What are they gonna do, just film him running through Congress? Eh? Eh? Get it? Get it? We’re saying he’s outta control here!”

Google changed their logo. They don’t need to ask users what they think of it, because they already know.

Nickelodeon is bringing back shows like Rugrats and Rocko’s Modern Life. Niiiiice, those shows are probably old enough to fuck now.

Two day care workers in New Jersey were charged with child abuse for running a toddler “fight club.” The first rule of Baby Fight Club is: You don’t talk about Baby Fight Club, because you haven’t learned to talk yet.

Donald Trump signed a pledge that he won’t run as a third party candidate if he loses the GOP nomination. Yeah, but he’s also made marriage vows at least 3 times.

Donald Trump signed a pledge that he won’t run as a third party candidate if he loses the GOP nomination. Where’s the pledge where he won’t whine about it?

The US Olympics committee picked LA for the 2024 games. The city actually applied for 2020, but the committee figured by the time the athletes get through the LA traffic it’d be time for the next Olympics.

Ronda Rousey agreed to attend the Marine Corps ball with a marine. There may be some confusion here as to what she’s actually agreed to. When she accepted, she said, “Oh, you wanna dance? OK, let’s dance.”

A lottery winner in Illinois has to wait for the state to pass its budget before they get paid. The congratulations message he got was “You’ve won!!! But, uh, do us a favor and don’t cash that until Tuesday, OK?”

 

 

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