This Week’s Jokes: Week of 8/24/15

One Direction is going on an “extended hiatus.” Hm what’s that term for when a group of people go off and do different things? Going “separate ways”? Yeah, maybe, but there’s another one…Oh well, maybe it’ll come to me.

One Direction is going on an “extended hiatus.” Which is British boyband speak for “one of us is Timberlake-ing.”

Three Americans  took down a heavily armed gunman on a train going from Amsterdam to Paris. If they’d tried to do that in the U.S., they would’ve been criticized for implementing gun control.

Three Americans  took down a heavily armed gunman on a train going from Amsterdam to Paris. They explained in a press conference, “We saw him and we thought, well, we’re the Americans on this train–we have the most experience dealing with lunatics with guns.”

A giant panda at the National Zoo gave birth to twins. Isn’t it kind of rude to tell a pregnant panda that it’s “giant”?

A giant panda at the National Zoo gave birth to twins, which is a big deal because the species is endangered. And you think your family puts pressure on you to start having kids.

After a meeting with Elizabeth Warren, speculation that Joe Biden will jump into the Democratic presidential race is on the rise. And, as always, speculation that he’ll jump into a pool wearing stars and stripes swimming trunks and screaming “cowabunga!” are at an all-time high.

Apple is recalling a batch of iPhone 6 Plus phones that are taking blurry photos. They’re all phones from Apple employees’ parents who didn’t realize they were taking pictures with their fingers over the lens.

The Chinese stock market crashed. This affects the global markets, as well as takeout delivery times.

The Chinese stock market crashed. Investors are struggling to pick up the pieces, because they’re using chopsticks.

The Chinese stock market crashed, which is affecting luxury brands such as Prada and Ferragamo. And more directly, their knock-off versions.

The company that runs Ashley Madison is now offering a $500,000 reward for any info about the site’s hackers. Publicly, at least. Privately, they’re looking for someone who’ll do it without that kind of commitment.

North Korea and South Korea made a deal to end their “semi-state of war” and cut back on propaganda. They’re also getting rid of their respective burn books.

A couple in Oregon had a wedding with an open weed bar. That’s one way to make sure your alcoholic uncle doesn’t show up.

A couple in Oregon had a wedding with an open weed bar. Their vows were “If you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, say ‘I doobie.’

There’s a viral video going around of a guy annoying his girlfriend at IKEA with incessant puns about the store. At the end of the video you can hear him say, “Hey, wanna sneak off somewhere and screw? Whoops, never mind, we need an allen wrench.”

AMC’s Fear the Walking Dead set a new record for cable TV. They may think they’ve killed the ratings. But they’ll have to kill them again next week.

Stephen Hawking’s newest theory says that black holes aren’t as black as originally thought. How does he know? Are black holes the President of the Spokane, Washington NAACP?

Adnan Syed’s lawyer says there’s new evidence post-Serial that could overturn his conviction. The new evidence is that Hae Min has actually been ALIVE THIS WHOLE TIME!

Adnan Syed’s lawyer says there’s new evidence post-Serial that could overturn his conviction. They’re going to email the evidence to the judge using Mail…kimp?

A new report shows that more than half of students are chasing dying careers. And the other half are chasing vodka shots with Red Bull.

Donald Trump invited a woman up on stage at a campaign event to yank on his hair to prove that it’s real. He did not invite her to squeeze his wife’s breasts.

Instagram has changed its rules so that pictures no longer have to be square. IS NOTHING SACRED?

48,000 loaves of Sara Lee and Nature’s Harvest bread were recalled due to possible broken glass contamination. Dang, guess I’d better get rid of my bread. I may not have a gluten sensitivity, but I am definitely allergic to broken glass.

 

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