This Week’s Jokes: Week of 8/17/15

An Indonesian plane carrying 54 passengers went missing, but wreckage was found within a day. So CNN had to cram six months’ worth of programming into one 24-hour period.

Donald Trump said that if he’s elected, he’ll deport all undocumented immigrants. If they’re undocumented, how’s he going to find them?

Donald Trump said that if he’s elected, he’ll deport all undocumented immigrants. If he becomes President of this country, I don’t think anyone will have any problem with leaving.

A weekend New York Times report revealed that the NSA owes much of its Internet traffic spying capabilities due to a close partnership with AT&T. It’s the only AT&T contract anyone has ever been satisfied with.

A weekend New York Times report revealed that the NSA owes much of its Internet traffic spying capabilities due to a close partnership with AT&T. Particularly its unlimited nights & weekends spying.

Earlier this year, it came out that hackers accessed the tax info of more than 100,000 Americans. Then yesterday, the IRS said it turns out it was actually more than 300,000. You’d think the IRS would be better with numbers.

A California startup is trying to get a video game approved by the FDA, to treat a host of neurological conditions including ADHD. Side effects include stunted adulthood.

A California startup is trying to get a video game approved by the FDA, to treat a host of neurological conditions including ADHD. So the cure for your distraction will be more distraction.

A California startup is trying to get a video game approved by the FDA, to treat a host of neurological conditions including ADHD. They tried TV and DVD first, but adding more letters just exacerbated the condition.

A hammerhead shark named Elias is swimming around the beaches of Queens and Brooklyn. His name is “Elias”? Geez even New York’s oceans are full of hipsters.

A hammerhead shark named Elias is swimming around the beaches of Queens and Brooklyn. Because he can’t afford to swim around Manhattan.

David Benson of the Milwaukee Brewers has become the first openly gay player on a team associated with the MLB. Which means now he’s a softball player.

David Benson of the Milwaukee Brewers has become the first openly gay player on a team associated with the MLB. It’s surprising there aren’t more–there’s nothing better than enjoying a nice, hot wiener at a baseball game.

Chris Brown was recently spotted FaceTiming with Rihanna while in the studio recording new music. Can someone put a stop to this? Remember the last time Chris Brown, Rihanna’s face and beats were all in the same room?

Target announced a $67 million settlement with Visa as compensation for the cost of sending out new Visa cards to customers after a 2013 store data breach. Unlike the people who shop there, Target is now finally out of credit card debt.

The FDA finally approved a libido-fixing drug for women, after two rounds of rejections. It’s not often that women have to say “hurry up” before sex.

The Ashley Madison hackers published a list of paid accounts, and it turns out Josh Duggar had two. But he only used them at night while everyone was sleeping, so it’s not so bad–at least that’s what the Duggars said about how he molested his sisters, right?

The Ashley Madison hackers published a list of paid accounts, and it turns out Josh Duggar had two. “See?? Proof he’s no longer molesting kids!” said the Duggar family. 

The Ashley Madison hackers published a list of paid accounts, and it turns out Josh Duggar had two. “A double-negative equals a positive. They cancel each other out!” said the Duggar family in his defense. 

A Detroit-area Mayor is seeking a ban on personal flamethrowers. Public flamethrowers are still OK, though. You can borrow them from the library.

A Kentucky man tried to dig up his dead father so that his dad could “go to Heaven.” Makes sense that he’d want him back above ground. The song says Heaven is a place ON earth, not UNDER it. 

A Kentucky man tried to dig up his dead father so that his dad could “go to Heaven.” His father’s ghost told his son, “What? Go to Hell.”

Megan Fox is divorcing her husband after 11 years together. She says she still loves him–but unfortunately, that love has Transformed.

NASA has been granted $200,000 a year for a project that recycles human poop into man-made food. And guess what? NASA’s cooking tastes like shit.

Cara Delevingne is quitting modeling. Her eyebrows will continue, however, having become sentient beings capable of making their own decisions.

Andrew Cuomo is trying to kick the body-painted bare chested women who make money posing for tourist photos out of Times Square. “He’s trying to take our boob jobs!” said the women.

Ice Cube said he wants to have dinner with Barack Obama. It’ll be a Fuck the Police State Dinner.

A man proposed to his girlfriend by dressing up as Halloween killer Michael Myers. He told her “I want to be with you ’til death do us part…right now.”

A former Miss Pennsylvania apologized for faking cancer. And tan, and teeth, and hair…

A man was busted for masturbating on the D train in New York. It was easy to catch him because he was yelling at passengers, “How’d ya like to ride THIS D train?!”

Greece’s prime minister has resigned. Greece got its bailout, and now he’s going to bail out.

Greece’s prime minister has resigned amid complaints about how he handled the country’s bailout, and is calling for snap elections next month where he’s expected to win anyway. He’s calling it My Big Fat Greek Passive-Aggressive Exercise of Democracy.

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