This Week’s Jokes: Week of 8/10/15

Donald Trump and his campaign adviser Roger Stone have parted ways under unclear circumstances. Stone says he quit; Trump says he “lost The Apprentice.”

NBC News reports that an underwire bra may have saved a German woman from serious injury this week when it stopped a hunter’s ricocheting bullet. Wow. That’s tough titties.

NBC News reports that an underwire bra may have saved a German woman from serious injury this week when it stopped a hunter’s ricocheting bullet. I guess some days you save the ta-tas, and some days they save you.

A U.K. woman on her period ran the entire London marathon without a tampon, to make a statement about period-shaming and lack of access to feminine hygiene products in third-world countries. It was also a new way to draw attention to her butt in those yoga pants, dayyyuummn.

A U.K. woman on her period ran the entire London marathon without a tampon, to make a statement about period-shaming and lack of access to feminine hygiene products in third-world countries. Seems like it’d be cheating to run a marathon on your cycle.

Justin Timberlake’s new Hell’s Kitchen restaurant reportedly has a mouse problem. What, did the restaurant also get its start with Disney?

25-year-old rapper Tyga bought Kylie Jenner a Ferrari for her 18th birthday. It’s a gift that symbolizes their relationship: “moving too fast.”

Days after receiving a Ferrari for her 18th birthday, Kylie Jenner reportedly crashed it. That’s weird, I always thought she’d end up more of a trainwreck.

Jennifer Aniston didn’t invite Matthew Perry or Matt LeBlanc to her recent wedding. “We’re not Friends anymore,” said Aniston.

A new drug erases memories to treat addiction. By that logic, then the cure for alcohol addiction must be…more alcohol?

Columbia House has filed for bankruptcy. Guess they should’ve kept better records, in  more ways than one.

Google is being acquired  by a parent company called Alphabet. Finally, an adult is stepping in to do something about your Big Brother. 

A 91-year-old Sydney man was charged with importing cocaine. No no wait, exporting–things go in the opposite direction down there.

A Washington, D.C. diner is promoting a menu item called the Trump sandwich, full of bologna.” Waitresses serve it to customers by asking, “Can I get you a pun, hun?”

A NASA contest is offering $25,000 for earthquake detection ideas. “We thought this contest would shake things up a little,” said NASA reps.

Rick Perry’s campaign announced that it will no longer be able to pay its staff. This is the first time a candidate has run on a platform of job deletion.

China devalued its currency. Come on, China, stop treating your money like you treat your children.

Amnesty International voted to recommend full decriminalization of sex work and prostitution. “At home, too?” asked a bunch of married men.

Sesame Street is moving to HBO. Makes sense that the show would move to such a provocative network–those puppets do every episode with a hand up their ass.

Sesame Street is moving to HBO. Overheard at a lunch table: “Hey I’ll trade you that silver foil Pokemon card and some Oreos for your HBO GO password.”

Sesame Street is moving to HBO, where it will now be known as The Street.

Two teenage girls are attempting to take selfies with every 2016 Presidential candidate. Much like the candidate himself, the one with Trump is #nofilter.

A man in Wales was accused of shoplifting after his colostomy bag was mistaken for a stolen pair of slacks. “We saw the contents, we just thought he’d shit his stolen pants,” said the store.

China devalued its currency this week. Come on China, stop treating your money like your children!

Will Smith is reportedly looking to reboot Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. In the reboot, the theme song goes, “Got to one little frozen yogurt shop and my mom got scared, said ‘West Philly’s getting too gentrified, you’re moving to Bel-Air.'”

A22-year-old U.N. employee was found living in in a tent because he couldn’t afford housing while working an unpaid internship at the U.N. Gives a whole new meeting to the term “U.N. refugee camp.”

A 22-year-old U.N. employee was found living in in a tent because he couldn’t afford housing while working an unpaid internship at the U.N. “This is the one scenario we didn’t practice for on my high school’s model U.N. team,” he said.

A 22-year-old U.N. employee was found living in in a tent because he couldn’t afford housing while working an unpaid internship at the U.N. But to be fair, it’s the U.N.–should their employees really be paid for doing nothing?

 

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