This Week’s Jokes: Week of 8/2/15

Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale are getting divorced. Well, at least now every No Doubt song won’t be about the same dude.

In the wake of widespread outrage over the killing of Cecil the lion, Delta Air Lines announced it would no longer ship lion, leopard, elephant, rhinoceros or buffalo trophies as freight. “They’ll have to buy multiple seats, just like all the other oversized animals,” said a spokesman.

Jurors have voted to keep the death penalty open for James Holmes, who was convicted last month of murdering 12 people during a 2012 screening of The Dark Knight Rises in Aurora, Colorado. They were reportedly having trouble deciding because “it’s against Batman’s code to kill people.”

President Obama announced a plan to reduce greenhouse gas emissions. “Well he didn’t say anything about White House gas emissions!” said Joe Biden, before ripping juicy farts all up and down the halls of the West Wing.

Kim Richards was arrested Sunday night for shoplifting from Target. She allegedly grabbed a “bunch of items” worth more than $600. Wow! With Target’s low, low prices, that must have been a TON of stuff!

Scientists have found that most office buildings set air conditioner temperatures based on a decades-old formula that uses the metabolic rates of men. Oh, so that ceiling isn’t glass; it’s ice.

In an attempt to criticize Donald Trump for his own racist comments about Mexican immigrants, Kelly Osbourne said on The View, “If you kick every Latino out of this country, then who is going to be cleaning your toilet?” Kelly Osbourne, probably, after she gets fired from The View.

In an attempt to criticize Donald Trump for his own racist comments about Mexican immigrants, Kelly Osbourne said on The View, “If you kick every Latino out of this country, then who is going to be cleaning your toilet?” If you’re wondering why she had toilet scrubbing on the brain, well, look at her hair–there’s literally a thing that looks like a toilet brush on her head.

Idris Elba has become the first man ever on the cover of Maxim. Not too groundbreaking–this still falls within Maxim‘s standards that the cover photo must be someone straight men would want to fuck.

Two people were shot dead at an after-party for Drake’s OVO Fest in Toronto, presumably to demonstrate to Drake and Meek Mill how a hip-hop feud ACTUALLY works.

A 110-year-old woman says a daily diet of beer and Johnnie Walker is the key to her long life. It’s also the key to how she can stand still being alive.

The new Cecil the Lion Beanie Baby will raise money for conservation research. Listen, conservation research, a lot of us thought Beanie Babies would be our ticket to fortune–don’t count on it.

The new Cecil the Lion Beanie Baby will raise money for conservation research, and also raise awareness that Beanie Babies are still a thing, apparently.

Robin Thicke is engaged to the 20-year-old girlfriend he started dating shortly after he and his wife Paula Patton split up. So I guess the subject of his album Paula was really more of a blurred line.

Netflix announced it will give its employees up to a year of paid leave following the birth or adoption of a child. That’ll give new parents plenty of time to adjust, and also binge-watch Breaking Bad.

Netflix announced it will give its employees up to a year of paid leave following the birth or adoption of a child. Well that’s great for new parents, but what about people who don’t want to have children or be there?

President Obama says that Congress’ decision on the Iran nuclear deals is its most important one since opting to go to war in Iraq. Well, then they’ll probably screw this one up, too.

 Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux got married. Somewhere out there, there are people who lost money on this.

Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux got married, thus making an entire employment division of American tabloid journalism obsolete.

Tabloids are reporting that Leonardo DiCaprio has fleas in his beard. Oh come on, do you think models would really date a guy with fleas in his beard? Obviously they’re crabs.

Health officials this week were warning people against playing the GOP debate drinking game. They admit it’s still healthier than letting any GOP candidates run the country, though.

During the GOP debate, Mike Huckabee said the U.S. needs to not only defund Planned Parenthood, but take measures to protect the rights of fetuses as people. But fetuses aren’t people–Mike Huckabee is barely even a people.

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