This Week’s Jokes: Week of 7/27/15

An appeals court decided this week that Dutee Chand—an Indian female sprinter whose testosterone levels qualify her as male under Olympics guidelines—cannot be banned from competing against other women because of her hormones. Because women will compete with each other whether or not they’re hormonal, anyway.

Rick Perry said that the shooting in a Lafayette, Louisiana movie theater last week shows why gun-free zones are “a bad idea,” and that people should be able to take their firearms to the movies. Um, people already can–remember when that guy shot everyone in in that Lafayette, Louisiana theater?

A gunshot victim in Florida was dropped of at Walmart instead of a hospital. “We saw his eyes rolled back inside of his head; we figured Walmart would know best how to handle that,” said first responders.

A model living in Arizona attempted to flirt her way past border officials with $134 million in cocaine. Must have been a catalogue model.

A model living in Arizona attempted to flirt her way past border officials with $134 million in cocaine. She might have gotten away with it, if she didn’t think they were flirting back when they told her they wanted to “search her trunk.”

A neuroscientist from the University of Oxford said lack of sleep is just as damaging to your health as smoking and drinking. And just as much of a boost to your cool-guy reputation.

A neuroscientist from the University of Oxford said lack of sleep is just as damaging to your health as smoking and drinking. But wait ’til Big Awake has their lobbyists shut all this down.

Coco Austin is expecting a baby with her husband Ice-T. They haven’t said if it’s a boy or a girl, but it’ll definitely be a new Dunkin’ Donuts beverage.

A man in New Orleans was stabbed and robbed of just $3 or $4 cash. I guess the economy can’t be that bad if the cost of getting stabbed is going down.

An organgutan kissed a pregnant woman’s belly at an England zoo. Wow, we really did evolve from apes; they don’t know touching a pregnant stranger’s stomach is inappropriate, either.

The Boy Scouts of America voted to end the organization’s ban on openly gay adult leaders. There’s still a hard “no soft little pussies” rule for scouts, though.

The Arizona Cardinals have hired the first female coach in NFL history. “Oh come on, we already do the ‘wear pink for lady cancer month’ thing,” said every other team.

The Arizona Cardinals have hired the first female coach in NFL history. “Coaching is nothing more than teaching,” said head coach Bruce Arians, adding, “So we thought, let’s get some lil’ ol’ school marms in here.”

The NFL says there will be new procedures for the 2015 season regarding how footballs will be prepared and monitored, including random testing and changes in the oversight of the footballs once they’ve been checked by officials. These balls are going to be subject to more screenings than a testicular cancer patient.

Boston decided it doesn’t want to host the 2024 Olympics after all, deeming the project too expensive. “I mean, you have to buy all those gold medals,” said the city.

A New York man was arrested on Friday after allegedly driving around an ice cream truck in his underwear while intoxicated and yelling at children. Apparently that music literally can drive you crazy.

A New York man was arrested on Friday after allegedly driving around an ice cream truck in his underwear while intoxicated and yelling at children. C’mon, that’s a terrible strategy for luring kids inside!

Russian border agents are being ordered to burn any banned U.S. and European food products anyone tries to bring into the country, such as cheese. “We’ll fondue what we have to do,” said the agents.

In an interview with Complex, Macklemore described shame over turning to marijuana in his struggles with the pressures of fame. Geez, even his addictions are super white and lame.

Hillary Clinton agreed with President Obama that the embargo on Cuba should end. Uh, didn’t that already happen a few weeks ago? Next we’re going to hear that Hillary Clinton agreed with Ronald Reagan that the Cold War should end.

Jane Goodall issued a statement about Cecil the lion being killed by an American hunter, saying, “I have no words to express my repugnance.” Well, maybe next time think of that before you say you’re issuing a statement.

Antonio Banderas is going to star in a movie about the 33 Chilean miners who spent 69 days trapped underground in 2010. “I mean, 69,” said producers. “Obviously this thing was just asking for some sex appeal.”

A court decision this week may determine that Warner Music Group’s copyright on the “Happy Birthday” song is expired, making it finally available for use in movies, TV and more. And, hopefully, finally at one of my birthdays. 😦

Six people were stabbed at the Jerusalem Pride parade on Thursday. The alleged assailant is an Orthodox Jew who was just released from prison for doing the same thing in 2005. Traditiiiooonnn!

 

 

 

 

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