This Week’s Jokes: Week of 7/20/15

German Chancellor Angela Merkel says she’s open to being flexible with Greece’s bailout repayment plan. Are we sure she’s German?

German Chancellor Angela Merkel says she’s open to being flexible with Greece’s bailout repayment plan. Obviously she’s never loaned money to a friend before.

Greek banks reopened on Monday. But thanks to new bailout austerity terms, they’re reopening without free pens or lollipops.

A female astronomy scientist’s work was picked up by lots of global press, but the media got her gender wrong. Proving sexism is universal.

A 1933 film of the Queen has surfaced, showing her being taught the Nazi salute as a little girl. The Queen issued a statement, saying, “OK, yup, you found it. The only skeleton in the royal closet. Yup, that’s it! Nothing else to see here!”

A 1933 film of the Queen has surfaced, showing her being taught the Nazi salute as a little girl. Look, no one should care about the Queen mimicking a gesture that didn’t really have the meaning at the time that it does today; not even the Nazis cared what the Queen did, they still bombed England the next decade.

The U.S. and Cuba are restoring full diplomatic ties this week. To celebrate, U.S. and Cuban leaders lit cigars from some other country the U.S. still has a trade embargo against.

Grocery store A&P filed for bankruptcy for the second time in five years. Maybe they should start clipping coupons.

According to a new study, 30 percent of new mothers say they struggle to afford enough diapers for their babies. The economy is shitting the bed on helping mothers, while their kids literally do the same.

More children are living in poverty today than before the recession of 2008. Well yeah, more kids had jobs back then.

Donald Trump will visit the Mexican border in Texas this afternoon to talk with border agents. I hope one of them pushes him over the border line as a goof and then says “Hahaha! Now you’re Mexican!”

Donald Trump gave out presidential campaign rival Lyndsey Graham’s cell phone number. It’s the first time Donal Trump has ever given away anything.

Donald Trump gave out presidential campaign rival Lyndsey Graham’s cell phone number. You know, the President is in charge of keeping nuclear codes–do we really want someone in that position who plays it so fast and loose with private numbers?

New York took steps to raise the minimum wage for fast food workers to $15 an hour. It’s a living wage, anywhere but New York.

Forbes will give $1 million to a group of entrepreneurs under 30 with great ideas for how to solve major world problems. They’re calling it “30 under 30 Ideas That Involve Snapchat.”

The Enquirer published a transcript of Hulk Hogan making racist remarks. Between that and his weird, fake-looking hair, he’s now the lead candidate to be Donald Trump’s running mate.

The WWE has dropped Hulk Hogan for making racist remarks. More specifically, they elbow dropped him.

While on Capital Hill trying to finalize the Iran nuclear deal, John Kerry called the idea that the US should somehow force the country to give up its nuclear program altogether a “fantasy.” Well obviously, this is Congress–we know those people have LOTS of crazy fantasies.

A NASA spacecraft has discovered the most similar planet to earth yet. Earth was all like, “Ew, don’t say I look like that bitch.”

In an announcement that they’ve discovered the most similar planet to earth yet, a NASA rep stated “Today, Earth is a little less lonely.” Yeah but what about tomorrow? Maybe instead of trying to hook Earth up we oughta work on helping Earth feel more fulfilled by itself.

In an announcement that they’ve discovered the most similar planet to earth yet, a NASA rep stated “Today, Earth is a little less lonely.” What was Earth doing before, sitting alone in a dark living room and listening to The Smiths?

A NASA spacecraft has discovered the most similar planet to earth yet, which news reports are calling “Earth’s long-lost cousin.” Earth was like “Oh shit, we’re cousins? I made out with that planet at a party once.”

A NASA spacecraft has discovered the most similar planet to earth yet, which news reports are calling “Earth’s long-lost cousin.” Cool, now earth has someone to get drunk with at weddings.

 

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