This Week’s Jokes: Week of 7/13/15

Iran and the U.S. reached a nuclear deal, and Greece and its creditors reached a bailout deal. Which do you think will blow up first?

President Obama cut short the prison sentences of 46 non-violent drug offenders, most of whom are in prison for selling cocaine.  They were allowed to cut the line as long as they promised not to cut any more lines.

A NASA spacecraft called New Horizons had what NASA scientists referred to as an “encounter” with Pluto, and is sending back new photos of the dwarf planet. It’s the kinkiest thing those nerds have ever experienced.

Rapper 50 Cent has filed for bankruptcy. Now he’s Rapper Negative-Fifty Million Dollars.

A website that looked exactly like Bloomberg posted “news” that there was a $31 billion buyout offer for Twitter, but the website and the report were fake. Authorities believe the person behind it is a rogue Twitter egg.

A website that looked exactly like Bloomberg posted “news” that there was a $31 billion buyout offer for Twitter, causing Twitter stock values to shoot up, but the website and the report turned out to be fake. Sounds like stockholders should have been careful not to count their Twitter egg avatars before they hatch.

President Obama says there’s no precedent for the White House to revoke the Medal of Honor given to Bill Cosby by George W. Bush in 2002. “We’ll just wait until he ‘falls asleep,’ and then see if we can take it without him noticing,” said the President.

President Obama says there’s no precedent for the White House to revoke the Medal of Honor given to Bill Cosby by George W. Bush in 2002. Obama added, “How many more of that guy’s messes am I going to have to clean up??”

Pabst Blue Ribbon has announced it will once again brew beer in Milwaukee, where the company started. “Yeah, we were brewing PBR before it got cool, so,” said Milwaukee.

After announcing it would shut down this spring, Sweet Briar College, a 114-year-old women’s college, isn’t closing its doors after all. Ugh. Typical women, can’t make up their minds.

Presidential candidate and Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker wants to drug test food stamp recipients. It’s illegal, but I guess it makes sense that someone from Wisconsin would be worried about people taking advantage of government cheese.

 

Daniel Radcliffe worked as NYLON magazine’s receptionist for an hour. It was supposed to be a full-time gig, but he kept answering the phones with “Hello, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizad–I mean NYLON!”

NASA’s trip to Pluto cost less than the Minnesota Vikings NFL stadium. Yeah, but has Pluto ever won a Super Bowl? ‘Nuff said.

Best Buy accidentally sold a bunch of $200 gift cards for $15. I guess all the geniuses really do work at Apple.

If you ask the iPhone’s Siri anything about “Bruce Jenner,” users have recently discovered that she will automatically correct your inquiry to be about Caitlyn. Unfortunately, most transphobic bigots own Droids.

A squirrel got trapped in a U.K. bar and caused over $600 in damages. I’m guessing he was out with a bunch of woodland creatures, and they all got as drunk as the skunk.

Katy Perry is the new face of H&M’s holiday campaign. Perry said in a statement, “I kissed a girl under the mistletoe and I liked it.”

BBC news characterizes Vladimir Putin’s tone as “increasingly anti-Western.” To be fair, though, I’m pretty sure Russian accents just sound that way.

Game of Thrones is nominated for 24 Emmy awards categories. 1 for every character killed this season.

 

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