This Week’s Jokes: Week of 7/6/15

Five million Texas students will get new textbooks next year which omit a lot of racist history like the KKK and Jim Crow. Texas: “Remember the Alamo…and nothing else.”

Sunday’s women’s World Cup final was the most-watched American soccer game ever. Which isn’t saying much, really.

A London schoolgirl who fled to Syria to join ISIS has been mocking victims of Tunisian earthquake online. Isis: making headway as the YouTube commenters of terrorism.

A 22-year-old man in Maine died setting fireworks off on his head on Fourth of July. His friends then set off more, honoring his freedom to be a moron.

A 22-year-old man in Maine died setting fireworks off on his head on Fourth of July. “LOL OK losing was worth it to see this,” said the ghosts of British Revolutionary War soldiers.

New research shows that one quarter of U.S. police shootings involve the mentally ill. Being a ‘roided up, trigger-happy cop is considered a mental illness now?

A Broadway actress grabbed a texting audience member’s cell phone in the middle of a show. The audience applauded, however critics have panned the move as an anachronism to the period piece she was starring in.

George W. Bush charged a group of wounded veterans $100K to hear him speak. Why, does he need the money to pay back the country for the wars he put those vets in?

George W. Bush charged a group of wounded veterans $100K to hear him speak. “Well, we thought it would be worth it if he could explain why the fuck he put us in this situation,” said the vets.

Greek newspapers are running out of paper. European newspapers have offered to lend them some, if they can commit to new paper austerity measures. In response, Greeks voted “no” and burned down all of the country’s remaining trees.

Bill Cosby’s Hollywood Walk of Fame star will not be removed. What are they waiting for, his consent? He doesn’t care about that.

Critics on the Internet hate former Laguna Beach reality star Kristin Cavallari’s clip-on bangs. Why? Did her clip-on bangs make out with Stephen behind Lauren’s back?

Taco Bell has launched a new delivery service. The delivery drivers even take care of getting drunk enough to eat Taco Bell for you.

Someone laser-etched a tortilla so it could play on a turntable. It only plays wrap music.

Tinder has introduced verified accounts for celebrities. Does anyone with Tinder standards really care if the guy who looks JUST LIKE Channing Tatum is actually Channing Tatum?

China is in the middle of a financial crisis. Which is why I only buy American-made Chinese money.

“Porn” and “lonely” were found to be the top two late-night Google searches in the U.S. And if you search for both together, you just get a bunch of videos of people jerking off by themselves.

MTV is making a documentary about white teenagers dealing with race in America called “White People.” Great, I love anything written, filmed and directed through a single lens.

Christian Audigier, designer of the Ed Hardy T-shirt, passed away this week. In lieu of flower arrangements, the family requests that mourners send tasteless flower arrangements.

A man passed out on a flight after wearing 12 layers of clothing to avoid extra baggage fees. Witnesses say he looked prrretttty fly.

Pope Francis changed outfits in a Burger King before giving mass in Bolivia. This seems very fitting with his “Have it your way” record of papacy.

 

 

 

 

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