This Week’s Jokes: Week of 6/29/15

Republican presidential candidate and South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham says that pushing for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage would hurt the Republican party. In that case, maybe they should do it.

In an effort to avert a financial collapse, Greece has ordered all of the country’s banks to stay closed this week. You’ve heard of a bank holiday; this is a bank stint in rehab.

NBC fired Donald Trump over his comments on immigration. “C’mon, you should get it, I was peacocking!” said Trump.

Two LA nuns are trying to block the sale of an LA convent to Katy Perry. They say they don’t like her habits.

Two LA nuns are trying to block the sale of an LA convent to Katy Perry, mostly because they don’t have enough holy water to cleanse the place of the spirit of John Mayer should Perry ever leave.

At the Seattle Pride parade, someone accidentally crashed a drone into a woman, knocking her out cold. Well, you gotta expect to get hit on a little bit at the Pride parade.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are getting divorced. If they can’t make it, what chance do any of us have? Oh, 100% as long as we don’t marry Ben Affleck? OK, not so bad then.

A group of Orthodox Jews hired Mexicans to dress up as Jews and protest the NYC Gay Pride Parade in their stead. Yeah, usually to become a Jew you have to go through a whole long conversion process, but  if you’re willing to wear a hat and act like a bigot we can make you a Jew TODAY!

There have been a string of fires at predominantly black southern churches recently, but investigators don’t think it’s racially motivated. I guess that’s why it keeps happening; whoever’s behind it has to keep going until they get the point.

Robin Thicke has admitted that in hindsight, naming his last album after his ex-wife may have been a mistake. But only because it didn’t work.

Robin Thicke has admitted that in hindsight, naming his last album after his ex-wife may have been a mistake. And so was getting that tattoo of the name of the album.

President Obama sent out a tweet disagreeing with the New York Times’ recipe for guacamole with peas, which is probably the only veto Congressional Republicans won’t fight him on.

Tabloids are now widely reporting that Rachel McAdams is dating her True Detective co-star Taylor Kitsch, with an anonymous source saying it “hasn’t been long, but it’s very serious.” Just like True Detective!

The Justice Department is investigating whether or not major airlines have coordinated to limit available seats and flights, in order to keep demand – and ticket prices – high. I hope they also uncover whose idea it was to only give you half a can of soda on cross-country flights.

Someone in Britain has set up a crowdfunding campaign to bail out Greece so it doesn’t have to leave the eurozone.  Because if anyone knows how to stop a country from leaving something, it’s those Redcoats.

There’s been a wave (no pun intended) of shark attacks in the Carolinas recently. Because even sharks want them to take the Confederate flag down.

The country’s first gay divorce firm has opened in Philadelphia. Makes sense. You’ve seen the crack in the Liberty Bell–Philly knows how to deal with things that are broken.

Mattress company Serta is the latest to cut ties with Donald Trump. A spokesman said, “We’re taking an extra-firm stance.”

A Jamaican farmer is offering President Obama his 10-acre pot farm in exchange for Malia Obama’s marriage to his son. He should probably give Malia all that pot; I don’t see anyone going through with this marriage sober.

An Illinois teacher was fired for stepping on the American flag during a lesson on free speech. You’re free to put your foot in your mouth, but not on the flag.

A new version of bubble wrap that doesn’t pop is being created. In other news, joy is dead and everything is a lie.

Bloomberg reports the U.S. is producing a record amount of milk, and dumping the leftovers. Well if the U.S. can’t finish its milk then it’s not getting any dessert.

Google announced its new self-driving cars will hit public roads this summer. So now when a friend asks if they can have a ride you can tell them, “Ugh, just Google it.”

 

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