This Week’s Jokes: Week of 6/22/15

Jake Lloyd, the kid who played Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars: Episode I, was arrested for DUI after a car chase in South Carolina. “Episode I is still the bigger crime,” said Star Wars fans.

Jake Lloyd, the kid who played Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars: Episode I, was arrested for DUI after a car chase in South Carolina. With that voice I would’ve thought Darth Vader had a smoking problem, not drinking.

Jake Lloyd, the kid who played Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars: Episode I, was arrested for DUI after a car chase in South Carolina. Makes you wonder if he was also just drunk in that podracer.

Iowa is granting gun permits to people who are legally or completely blind. Well, at least if a blind crazy gun nut goes on a killing rampage, they’ll probably miss.

Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan peppered Spider-Man references into a decision released Monday on Kimble v. Marvel Entertainment. I don’t think it’s professional for a Supreme Court Justice to be web-shooting from the hip like that.

Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan peppered Spider-Man references into a decision released Monday on Kimble v. Marvel Entertainment. With great power comes great responsibility, Justice Kagan, how about you take this “being on the Supreme Court” thing a little more seriously?

Police have found new DNA evidence from one of the two convicted murderers who escaped from an upstate New York prison, but they’re still on the run. Maybe we can clone them and then their clones can tell us where they are.

Chinese manufacturers of Confederate flags have expressed concerns over the debate over the flags waging in the U.S. Yeah, in these modern times, the Confederate Flag isn’t a symbol of African American slavery; it’s a symbol of Chinese sweatshops.

A low-calorie donut shop in the West Village went bankrupt after a year. They were shut down over concerns that they weren’t causing any health concerns.

A low-calorie donut shop in the West Village went bankrupt after a year. They had a good run. Which is why they closed–no one who wants to run also wants to eat donuts.

Gmail has introduced a new “undo send” button. Unfortunately just for your emails, not the ones you get from spammers and estranged relatives.

Gmail has introduced a new “undo send” button. Or as it will come to be known, the “whoops got drunk shouldn’t say that” button.

Doctors in Australia have warned that squatting in skinny jeans can cause nerve damage. And can also cause what the medical community refers to as a “crack attack.”

Doctors in Australia have warned that squatting in skinny jeans can cause nerve damage. But how else are you going to fit into them?

The band Linkin Park has reimagined themselves as a tech incubator and venture capital firm. If you’re surprised they’re no longer focused on music, I would argue: Were they ever?

New York City’s Department of Consumer Affairs (DCA) said Wednesday that an ongoing investigation of Whole Foods Market stores has found systemic overcharging of its customers for prepackaged food. OK, and what about every other place that sells food in New York?

ISIS has minted its own currency. If you flip one of their coins, you have to call no-heads or tails.

ISIS has minted its own currency. You can use it to buy…more ISIS currency.

ISIS has minted its own currency. Seriously? Money? I thought they were in terrorism for the love of the game.

Bedbugs were found at the United Nations building this week. They’re probably not the first bugs to be hidden in the UN.

A Virginia man was awarded $500,000 in a defamation and medical malpractice suit after he caught his anesthesiologist openly insulting him and mocking his penis while he was knocked out for a colonoscopy. In his sentencing, the judge also added that it was “a real dick move.”

A large circular saw blade fell off of a truck in China, slicing into the hood of a car behind it. It’s the first time a driver was happy not to meet his final destination.

Real Housewives start Teresa Giudice tweeted from prison. I can’t even get the WiFi in my apartment to work consistently, what kind of prison is this?

The world’s first commercial jetpack is set to debut in 2016. Sales are expected to take off.

The world’s first commercial jetpack is set to debut in 2016, which is great for anyone who thought about buying their own drone but then thought, “Nah, not douchey enough.”

Apple has removed all Civil War games featuring the Confederate flag from its app store. And yet, that U2 album is still on my phone.

Univision dropped the Miss Universe pageant following Donald Trump’s comments about Mexican immigrants in his Presidential campaign announcement speech. This is why we can’t let him be President: He already has enough power to destroy the Miss Universe.

A guard at Buckingham Palace pulled his gun on an annoying tourist. “That’s the last time we hire one of those American cops,” said the Queen.

People are protesting a luxury Miami property developer in the process of building a luxury  condominium that will have, as the star feature, a 12,000 cubic foot aquarium for pet sharks. Oh sorry, not “a luxury Miami property developer,” that should be “a James Bond villain.”

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