This Week’s Jokes: Week of 6/15/15

A 27-year-old Maryland man is accused of shooting and killing an ice cream truck driver. That’s one way to make the music stop.

A 27-year-old Maryland man is accused of shooting and killing an ice cream truck driver. Police say the murder was “in cold blood,” because, y’know. Ice cream.

Farrah Abraham is selling necklaces with vials of her DNA in it. Ugh let’s hope nobody sticks their dick in those vials, the world doesn’t need any more of her.

Mashable reports that George H.W. and Barbara Bush have always believed Jeb was “the best bet” of their two sons to be President. Proving foresight and hindsight are 20-20.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West took their daughter North to Disneyland for her birthday. Is that really a special birthday treat? Every day of their lives is based in a fantasy land.

Kristen Stewart’s mother may have accidentally confirmed rumors that her daughter is dating Alicia Cargile, the actress’ personal assistant. Guess whose calls won’t be getting put through to Kristen Stewart anymore.

An 18-year-old woman was arrested in Florida after police allegedly found 17 photos on her phone of the teen receiving oral sex from her pit bull. “What? All men are dogs anyway,” she said.

An 18-year-old woman was arrested in Florida after police allegedly found 17 photos on her phone of the teen receiving oral sex from her pit bull. Weird that those dogs get a bad rap when there are grown men who get all weird and shitty about doing that for a woman.

Mathematicians are reportedly hoarding pieces of chalk from Japanese company Hagoromo Fulltouch Chalk, which recently went out of business. When asked what’s so special about it they said, “We can’t really sum it up.”

Radar reports that Scott Disick wants Kourtney Kardashian to agree to an open relationship. Didn’t the entire family already do that when they signed on with E!?

Americans will spend $12.7 billion on their dads this Father’s Day, but NBC News reports the holiday wasn’t always so loved. Just like how many fathers feel about their children.

South Carolina won’t take down the Confederate flag on their capital building, insisting it isn’t a racist symbol. They’re so in denial it’s surprising they don’t also insist they won the Civil War.

The Supreme Court ruled that state license plates are “government speech” which is different from “private speech,” meaning you can’t put anything you want on a license plate and be protected under the First Amendment. So I guess that “B0NR KING” plate I saw last week was an official government statement.

Goldman Sachs just announced a new rule that requires investment banking interns to be out of the office between 12AM and 7AM, for their own health but also because night time is when all the truly evil shady shit goes down.

Goldman Sachs just announced a new rule that requires investment banking interns to be out of the office between 12AM and 7AM. Now they’ll get to over-work from home!

California’s Labor Commission ruled that an Uber driver is an employee, not a contractor, meaning the company needs to pay for things like drivers’ benefits and driving costs. Yep, drivers can now pass gas onto Uber.

The official Giorgio Armani Twitter account responded to a distraught tweet from Kim Kardashian wondering why “Georgio Armani” discontinued her favorite foundation, offering to send her some but also correcting her misspelling of his name. Give her a break, she comes from a whole family of people who make mistakes with spelling names–Caitlyn Jenner, for example.

The official Giorgio Armani Twitter account responded to a distraught tweet from Kim Kardashian wondering why “Georgio Armani” discontinued her favorite foundation, offering to send her some but also correcting her misspelling of his name. So they sent her her shade, but also some of their own shade.

Jeb Bush says he doesn’t know that the Charleston shooting was racially motivated. I guess you have to answer that way, when a lot of your would-be voters are.

Marijuana is being allowed at this year’s US Open. But you have to carry it yourself. No caddies are allowed on the green.

A report in New York Magazine reveals that American honeybees are dying out largely due to stress. Just have a drink, bees. Get a little buzz on, you’ll be fine.

 

 

 

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