A Texas police officer was suspended after pulling gun on teens at a pool party. Yes, everyone knows you need to wait at least 30 minutes after pulling your gun before getting back in the pool patrol.

A witness in a murder trial declined to give a reporter a comment by stubbing a cigarette out in her face. How about we go ahead and upgrade her from “witness” to “prime suspect”?

A woman injured by a broken bat at Fenway Park remains in serious condition. “Oh yah I’d say bein’ a Red Sox fan’s a ‘serious condition’ all right,” said someone wearing a Yankees jersey, probably.

The New York City Department of Transportation is warning tourists about scammers selling tickets for the Staten Island ferry. “Oh no, they’re not doing anything wrong. ‘Scammers’ is just a slur we use to refer to people from Staten Island,” the city clarified.

The New York City Department of Transportation is warning tourists about scammers selling tickets for the Staten Island ferry. “Dem Yankee tickets my boy in the Bronx can get you are still totally legit, tho,” the city added.

A Florida man allegedly kidnapped his girlfriend, forcing her to leave a wedding against her will. Well, I guess that’s better than proposing to her during it. What he did was bad, but it’s better than bad manners.

A Florida man allegedly kidnapped his girlfriend, forcing her to leave a wedding against her will. What a fairytale. Every girl dreams of the day the man of her dreams will drag her down the aisle and whisk her away in his windowless van.

New York police commissioner Bill Bratton said it’s difficult hiring more non-white officers because “so many have spent time in jail.” Apparently the department is now operating under the slogan, “See something, say something racist.”

New York police commissioner Bill Bratton said it’s difficult hiring more non-white officers because “so many have spent time in jail.” Well, what are they going to be doing if you hire them? Sounds like they’re already overqualified.

New York police commissioner, Bill Bratton said it’s difficult hiring more non-white officers because “so many have spent time in jail.” And it’s difficult retaining the department’s white officers, because “so many should be in jail.”

Reflecting on 40 years of Hustler magazine, Larry Flynt said a woman’s vagina “has as much personality as her face.” But no woman wants to be told her vagina has “a lot of personality.”

Republican presidential candidate Lyndsey Graham, when asked who would act as his first lady if he, as an unmarried man, were elected President, said he would have a “rotating first lady.” They would collectively be known as the “First Side Pieces.”

Republican presidential candidate Lyndsey Graham, when asked who would act as his first lady if he, as an unmarried man, were elected President, said he would have a “rotating first lady.” Not surprising that a Republican would be into swiping right.

Recent news of Katy Perry registering a song titled “1984”–causing speculation that this was the latest move in her feud with Taylor Swift–is apparently untrue. Uh yeah, obviously; with that title she’d just be calling attention to the fact that she’s way older than Taylor Swift.

Recent news of Katy Perry registering a song titled “1984”–causing speculation that this was the latest move in her feud with Taylor Swift–is apparently untrue. And the fact that this was ever new seems like a very 1984-esque means of distracting the populace with meaningless puff as a means of control.

Laverne Cox will be the first transgender person to have a Madame Tussauds wax figure made in her likeness. So in Madam Tussauds and Madame Tussauds only, bigoted assholes will be correct when they say she’s “not really a woman.”

According to the U.N., teenage girls in Iraq and Syria are being abducted by Islamic State fighters and sold in slave markets for as little as a pack of cigarettes. “And like, cheap cigarettes. Delaware cigarettes. If they were New York cigarettes, I’d say they at least value those girls’ lives a little bit,” said a U.N. envoy rep.

The editor of BroBible.com sent the CIA a Freedom of Information Act request to release Osama bin Laden’s reportedly extensive porn collection. Ugh! It’s 2015! I can’t believe people are still petitioning the CIA for porn when there’s free porn on the Internet.

The editor of BroBible.com sent the CIA a Freedom of Information Act request to release Osama bin Laden’s reportedly extensive porn collection. It’s probably not that interesting; in bin Laden’s sphere, a “naughty girl” is just a woman who speaks without being directly spoken to.

First Lady Michelle Obama recently opened up about the “insults and slights” she’s received, even while living in the White House. Wait, she lives with two teenagers…shouldn’t that be “especially” while living in the White House?

The AP reports that in a breach of U.S. government computers—presumably launched by China—every single federal employee’s social security number has been hacked. So now when elected officials are asked when and how they’re going to fix the problem with social security, they’ll have to answer, “Which one?”

A Nobel prize winner resigned from his position at University College London after being quoted that his “problem” with female scientists is that “Three things happen when they are in the lab: You fall in love with them, they fall in love with you, and when you criticize them they cry.” Dude, you’re a scientist–you should know that love is just a series of chemical reactions in the brain; they shouldn’t distract from your work.

A Nobel prize winner resigned from his position at University College London after being quoted that his “problem” with female scientists is that “Three things happen when they are in the lab: You fall in love with them, they fall in love with you, and when you criticize them they cry.” Sounds like somebody’s just bitter that he couldn’t get his bunsen burner turned on.

A Huffington Post reporter caught Sen. Mark Kirk quipping that unmarried presidential candidate Sen. Lindsey Graham is a “bro with no ho.” Appalled critics are calling for the Senator to resign and go by the nickname “Kirk with no work.”

A Huffington Post reporter caught Sen. Mark Kirk quipping that unmarried presidential candidate Sen. Lindsey Graham is a “bro with no ho.” Well, I guess the tide has finally turned in favor of sexual affairs; now you can’t get elected without one.

A Texas man who was twice arrested in 2013 for having sex with a horse was arrested for the same crime once again. Hey, sometimes when life gets you down, you just have to get back up on the horse.

Veteran actor Sir Christopher Lee, star of The Lord of the Rings films, passed away this week at the age of 93. He died surrounded by friends, family, and a guy in a Gandalf costume shouting “You…shall…now…pass!”

A man in Bethlehem, PA attempted to steal ice cream bars in a CVS by shoving them down his pants. I guess he gets excited by ice cream in more ways than one.

Former President Bill Clinton said he will most likely stop giving paid speeches if his wife Hillary is elected president. “Although sometimes I think she wishes I would stop speaking altogether,” said Clinton.

Sprite has launched a new range of limited-edition soda cans emblazoned with inspirational lyrics by Drake, Nas, The Notorious B.I.G., and Rakim. But just on the East Coast. Tupac lyrics will be printed on West Coast cans.

Sprite has launched a new range of limited-edition soda cans emblazoned with inspirational lyrics by Drake, Nas, The Notorious B.I.G., and Rakim. So you can’t call it “pop” anymore.

A man proposed to his fiancée with a ring made from bone in his amputated leg. “I thought an engagement ring would cost me an arm and a leg. Turns out I was only half right,” he said.

The FBI has seized computers linked to last summer’s celebrity nude photo hack. And, uh, they’ll get back to work in just a minute. Close the door.

Vladimir Putin kept the Pope waiting for over an hour on Wednesday when he was late to a meeting at the Vatican. Weird. I thought Putin was rushin’.

Hillary Clinton’s first Instagram post featured red, white, and blue pantsuits with the caption “Hard choices.” “Pantsuits? Doesn’t feel hard to me,” said Bill.

21st Century Fox CEO Rupert Murdoch announced he’s stepping down. Or, as it was reported by Fox News, Murdoch is “being forced to abort his position due to pressures from hip-hop music in the liberal media, who really need to think about the consequences for white Americans who support the troops.”

The IMF walked out of bailout talks with Greece, and if the country doesn’t pay back its debts, it could be forced to leave the eurozone. Luckily, Greece is set to receive support from the Fed. Oh sorry, no; that’s “Greece is F’ed.”

The Supreme Court is set to make a final decision on gay marriage. And if it can’t commit, gay marriage is going back to its college boyfriend.

A 15-year-old in England discovered a new planet this week. Ugh. Kids these days; always wanting the latest space stuff and solar system doodads.

A bridge in Vancouver, Canada is going to shut down for a mass yoga class on June 21. Geez, the city’s really bending over backwards for these people to bend over backwards.