GoodFellas—for Women

GOODFELLAS, Ray Liotta, Robert De Niro, Paul Sorvino, Joe Pesci, 1990

On Wednesday, May 10, the New York Post published an article by film critic Kyle Smith titled “Women are not capable of understanding ‘GoodFellas’.” I think he’s 1000% right, which is why I’m rewriting the film to be more accessible for dumb-dumb lady brains. My version will focus on themes girls can understand–like instead of themes of loyalty, power, and loss, it’ll have themes of makeup, and shoes, and makeup and shoes.  Here’s a sample scene.

GoodLadies: “Pretty How” Scene

Henrietta: Haha ew you bitch. You’re so pretty. Like, really pretty.

(Pause)

Tammi: What do you mean I’m pretty?

Henrietta: You’re pretty. You know, like, uh…the way you look, you’re pretty. You’re a pretty lady.

(The others fall silent)

Tammi: You mean my hair? My makeup? What?

Henrietta: It’s just… you know… you… it’s… you’re just pretty. It’s…pretty…you know, the way you look and everything.

Tammi: Pretty how? I mean what’s pretty about me?

Antonia: Tammi, no, you got it all wrong.

Tammi: Whoa, whoa, Antonia. She’s a grown-ass woman. She knows what she said. What’d you say? Pretty how?

Henrietta: Ju… just… you know, you’re… you’re pretty.

Tammi: You mean…let me understand this, ‘cause I dunno, maybe it’s me, I’m a little pretty maybe. But pretty how? You mean, pretty like with makeup? I look like a girl whose “makeup is pretty” to you? Not “naturally pretty”? Not “beautiful”? What do you mean, pretty? Pretty how? How’m I fuckin’ pretty?

Henry: …Just, you know, how you look. What?

Tammi: No. No. I don’t know. You said it. How do I know? I don’t know that I’m “pretty.”  You said I’m pretty. (Furiously) How the fuck am I pretty? What the fuck is so pretty about me? Tell me! Tell me what’s pretty!

(Long pause)

Henrietta: Get the fuck outta here Tammi. (Starts to roar with laughter.)

Tammi: You bitch. I almost had ‘er! I almost had ‘er! You stutterin’ slut, ya! Francine, was she shaking? Haha I love you bitches, let’s go get some shoes.

(They all laugh hysterically)

Henrietta: I did mean pretty with makeup, though.

Tammi: Fuckin’ bitch!

(Tammi shoots Henrietta with a hot pink Uzi)

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