This Week’s Jokes: Week of 6/1/15

Google and Levi’s have partnered up to make wearable tech jeans. Hasn’t the Internet already done enough to get people to play around in their pants?

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are pregnant with their second child. Critics expect that much like Kanye’s records, this second effort will be somewhat disappointing compared to the first.

Congress missed the June 1 deadline to find a solution to revamp the Patriot Act, and decide whether or not to shut down the NSA’s phone tapping program. What the hell were they doing? Let’s look at their phone records.

Jada Pinkett Smith reported lost the lead in The Matrix because she “didn’t click” with Keanu Reeves. But to be fair, we’ve all seen Keanu Reeves’ acting. Keanu Reeves doesn’t click with Keanu Reeves.

Female viagra could be approved this week. No one know why it’s taken so long; usually when it comes to women’s sexual desires, men finish super early.

Thursday was “National Hug Your Cat Day.” And today is “National Bury Your Dead Cat because You Hugged it Too Hard Day.”

A Syracuse couple was admitted to the ER after mistaking super glue for lube. At least now the guy can accurately say he’s “hung like a horse”…just post-glue factory.

Prince Harry has been knighted by his grandmother, the Queen, for “services to the sovereign.” When asked if this qualifies as nepotism, the Queen said, “Yeah, but so do most of our marriages.”

Comedian Jeff Ross claims Martha Stewart smoked pot at the Comedy Central roast of Justin Bieber. That is not true; she smoked locally sourced, organically grown pot.

700 Club host Pat Robertson says that porn and doing “sex things” cause demonic possession. Yes, 100% of women who’ve had sex reported feeling something “stirring inside them.” Spooky.

American Apparel has fired a restraining order against ex-CEO Dov Charney. Wait, American Apparel is feeling vulnerable and threatened by Dov Charney? Quick, take a photo, that’s the exact look they want for their ads!

An American tourist mauled to death by a lion in South Africa has been identified as a visual effects editor on Game of Thrones. Her death was the least violent on the show.

Japan has awarded Godzilla with honorary citizenship. So now you don’t have to marry anyone to get your green card; you can just destroy an entire coastal region.

Japan has awarded Godzilla with honorary citizenship. This is the most puzzling display of forgiveness since the Duggar daughters let their brother off the hook for molesting them.

At least three people are facing up to six months in prison and $500 fines for cheering too loudly at a high school graduation in Mississippi. But they could be let go because they were never read their Miranda Rights–the cops couldn’t accurately say they had the right to remain silent.

A man was arrested Wednesday after police said he made several 911 calls in which he hit on a dispatcher. The calls reportedly started with, “911, do you have an emergency?” “Yeah, I need to emergen-see you tonight.”

Three Delaware daycare employees were arrested for running a toddler fight club. The first rule of Baby Fight Club is you do not talk about Baby Fight Club because you are a baby and you don’t know how to talk.

IKEA has pledged 1 billion euros to help slow climate change. If they really want to slow climate change down, they should ask it to assemble an IKEA bedframe. That’ll keep climate change occupied for at least three days.

 

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