This Week’s Jokes: Week of 5/25/15

The Cleveland police department has reached a settlement with the Justice Department over the department’s history of brutal and unconstitutional policing. Among other things, the deal will explicitly prohibit officers from pistol whipping suspects and firing warning shots. “But we’re dirty cops!” said a spokesman for the department. “We can still regular-whip and fire non-warning shots, right?”

The Cleveland police department has reached a settlement with the Justice Department over the department’s history of brutal and unconstitutional policing. Among other things, the deal will explicitly prohibit officers from pistol whipping suspects, firing warning shots, and “being cool rebel cops who don’t play by the rules, Sarge.”

A 52-year-old woman facing a domestic violence charge tried to bribe a police officer by offering to “lick his butthole.” A lady in the streets, a freak in the crime report sheets, right? Or actually this sounds like just a terrible person everywhere.

Hillary Clinton is selling merchandise on her campaign website, including T-shirts and a pint glass “made from 100% shattered glass ceiling.” Real cute, sweetheart, now how about you go make your man a drink with your cute little glass there?

Multiple companies have opted to pull ads from TLC’s reality show “19 Kids and Counting.” Ad revenue is dropping faster around the show than Josh Duggar’s pants around children.

On Monday, Nevada officials said that they will investigate the death of B.B. King as a possible homicide after his daughters accused his aides of poisoning him. However if they do find foul play, since it’s Nevada, “What happens in Vegas” rules will apply.

Mozart’s hair is going up for auction by Sotheby’s on Thursday, at an estimated value of $15,400 to $18,450. It’s so valuable because it’s one of the last preserved powdered weaves.

Mozart’s hair is going up for auction by Sotheby’s on Thursday, at an estimated value of $15,400 to $18,450. Meh. Whatever. Let me know when they sell his skin.

The National Spelling Bee ended in a tie last night, so now those losers are winners who are both still kind of losers.

More than 1,000 migrant workers building the stadium for the 2022 World Cup in Qatar have reportedly died due to bad working conditions. Yeah, but ten times that many people die in soccer riots, so you have to put it in perspective.

UCLA is now offering a Big Bang Theory scholarship for undergrads who want to study science, technology, engineering, and mathematics (STEM). The scholarship also requires a minor in writing bad dialogue.

Mariah Carey said of being a judge on American Idol, “It was the worst experience of my life.” I can see why she wouldn’t like it; that job is about finding the next her.

Matthew McConaughey’s mother told ABC, “[He is] a gift from God.” Wait, sorry, she didn’t say it  to ABC; she whispered it while slowly driving a Lincoln through the city at night.

“So this is what a PP looks like,” tweeted former New York representative Anthony Weiner, talking about an NHL playoff game earlier this week. In other poor choices of words, later that day he looked in the mirror and said, “So this is what a Weiner looks like.”

The US arrested 7 FIFA officials on corruption charges this week. Well, at least they’re cracking down on one kind of football league.

The US arrested 7 FIFA officials on corruption charges this week. FIFA is just thrilled Americans are finally paying attention to soccer.

The US arrested 7 FIFA officials on corruption charges this week. They’ll face the penalties against them the same way any soccer player would: together, with their hands over their junk.

EA Sports’ FIFA video games will now feature international women players. Boy, if you think Americans don’t care about soccer now, wait until they see women’s soccer!

Live anthrax from a lab in Utah was accidentally shipped to labs in 9 other states. Wait wait, labs, or RIVAL labs?

Live anthrax from a lab in Utah was accidentally shipped to labs in 9 other states. Certain labs were initially excited about seeing Anthrax live, then quickly realized the situation was “not metal at all.”

Students in Loudon County, VA have to take the SATs over again after the College Board lost their scores. In true high school nightmare fashion, they’ll also have to take them naked, with their crush watching.

 

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