This Week’s Jokes: Week of 5/18/15

Men’s rights activists are calling for a boycott of Mad Max: Fury Road on the grounds that it “is guaranteed to force a lecture on feminism down your throat.” And the only thing that should be forced down any throats is THIS DICK, amiright fellas??

Chris Christie said that fears over government NSA snooping “are baloney.” Given the source, I assume that means they are issues that are very, very important to him.

Taylor Swift has been named Maxim‘s No. 1 pick on the magazine’s 2015 Hot 100 list. But then she talked about feminism in her interview, so it’s a real confusing time to be a dude-bro.

During one of his B-sides shows exclusively for Tidal subscribersJay Z performed a freestyle in which he attempted to shame audiences for glamorizing Apple, YouTube, and Spotify while giving Tidal the cold shoulder. Critics are hailing it as “the lamest diss track in rap music history.”

During one of his B-sides shows exclusively for Tidal subscribers Jay Z performed a freestyle in which he attempted to shame audiences for glamorizing Apple, YouTube, and Spotify while giving Tidal the cold shoulder. Nas shook his head and sighed, “Look, if you’re running out of ideas, how about you just record another Blueprint, I don’t mind.”

The US released docs from the raid that killed Osama bin Laden, revealing that “Who should we contact in case you became a martyr?” is one of the questions on applications to join al Qaeda. Weird that al Qaeda is more organized than most middle school field trips.

The Justice Department gave the NSA a heads up that it might have to start shutting down its phone data collection program by the end of the week. Hm, that program was OK’d by the Patriot Act, which was signed in 2001, making it 14 years old…so the NSA is probably going to act the same way any shitty teenager would if you told them you were messing with their data plan.

The Cannes Film Festival isn’t letting in any women wearing flat shoes. Makes sense; the higher the heels, the closer you are to reaching that movie industry glass ceiling.

The Cannes Film Festival isn’t letting in any women wearing flat shoes. It’s like a fairytale: “Cinderella’s Glass Ceiling.”

The FTC accused leaders of four major Cancer Fund charities of fraud, finding that since 2008 they allegedly spent almost $187 million in donations on themselves instead of cancer patients. It’s like an adult Make-A-Wish where you only grant your own wishes.

The FTC accused leaders of four major Cancer Fund charities of fraud, finding that since 2008 they allegedly spent almost $187 million in donations on themselves instead of cancer patients. Well, how about we give them cancer? Then it’d be legit.

House Speaker John Boehner said President Obama should “start over” on the request to use military force against ISIS, with a new strategy. Yes, I’m sure ISIS will be patient while the US calls for “do-oversies.”

Earlier this week, the White House said it’s prioritizing saving the US bee population, with plans to improve federal land to make it more bee-friendly, and spend more on researching the effects of pesticides. It’s going to be quite the sting operation.

A Wyoming man who had a diabetic emergency while driving this weekend was saved by rapper Layzie Bone, who successfully raised the man’s blood sugar by giving him chocolate and fruit. Why didn’t he just play his sweet beats??

In a recent interview, George Clooney said having kids “isn’t high on my list.” Yeah, he’s been too busy acting like one.

Performance artist Marina Abramovic said she feels betrayed and used by Jay Z. Yup, so do Tidal subscribers.

Performance artist Marina Abramovic said she feels betrayed and used by Jay Z. So does anyone who’s seen her try to pass off what she does as “art.”

 

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