This Week’s Jokes: Week of 5/4/15

In an effort to target terror suspects, France’s parliament approved a controversial surveillance bill that will allow phone tapping and installing cameras in homes and cars. I think the real problem is that now everyone will see un-chic French people really are in their downtime.

Mike Huckabee has announced he’s mounting another Presidential campaign. He’s born again; of course he’s going to run again.

Former Baptist minister, Arkansas governor, and Fox News host Mike Huckabee has announced he’s running for President as a GOP candidate. Well with a resume like that, it was either try to get as high as you can in the GOP or the Klu Klux Klan.

Boxer Manny Pacquiao is having surgery for a shoulder injury later this week, which it turns out that he’s had since before he lost to Floyd Mayweather Jr. last weekend. 20 years ago, one of my cousins said that boxing was fake, like wrestling, and everyone else corrected her. We owe her an apology.

Boxer Floyd Mayweather texted ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith on Tuesday saying he wants to fight Manny Pacquiao again once he recovers from shoulder surgery. I can’t imagine anything scarier than getting a text from Floyd Mayweather.

Boxer Floyd Mayweather texted ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith on Tuesday saying he wants to fight Manny Pacquiao again once he recovers from shoulder surgery. Geez what if that was meant to be a private conversation? Better not send Stephen A. Smith any dick pics, Floyd.

A recent study by the University of London and Imperial College found that hip-hop is more influential than music from The Beatles. And also dese hoes be worse than Yoko Ono.

A recent study by the University of London and Imperial College found that hip-hop is more influential than music from The Beatles. And if you play it backwards, you hear the message “Tupac isn’t dead.”

A recent study by the University of London and Imperial College found that hip-hop is more influential than music from The Beatles. So you can stop vaccinating your children for Beatlemania.

Two Florida parents are under arrest for allegedly convincing their teenage kids to clean their rooms by bribing them with cocaine. If they’re doing coke, shouldn’t they be hyped up enough to clean the whole house?

Two Florida parents are under arrest for allegedly convincing their teenage kids to clean their rooms by bribing them with cocaine. You spend their whole childhood trying to keep them from putting pieces of change up their nose, and now here you are letting them do it with their entire allowance.

A group of Tigers are loose in an Oklahoma town after a tornado hit their enclosure in a wild animal park. Well now, Sharknado suddenly doesn’t seem so far-fetched, does it? You guys owe Tara Reid an apology.

Yelp, Inc. is reportedly seeking a buyer. The company only has 2 stars on Yelp, but it’s cheap and there’s free WiFi.

Yesterday, a US court ruled that the NSA’s phone data collection program is illegal. Yeah, what are they doing hoarding all that data when I’m stuck paying $80 a month for 4GB?

Rapper Ja Rule stopped by Fox Business to promote his new business collaboration with Magnises, a credit card company that targets millenials. What does Ja Rule know about targeting millenials? He hasn’t had a hit in like 10 years.

Rapper Ja Rule, stopped by Fox Business to promote his new business collaboration with Magnises, a credit card company that targets millenials. Ooh is it a card that allows you to rack up a bunch of debt then move back in with your parents to pay it off?

Whole Foods is creating a new chain of less expensive supermarkets. It’s called “Half Foods.”

Whole Foods is creating a new chain of less expensive supermarkets. Hey Whole Foods, that already exists, it’s called “every other supermarket.”

North West is going to be in an upcoming episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians, because a guest spot on their reality show is how that family shows love.

McDonald’s is bringing more variety to its menu in the form of custom sandwiches. Is one of the “custom” options real meat?

The Clinton Foundation has been facing lots of tough questions over whether its donors had inappropriate access to Hillary Clinton while she was Secretary of State. Bill Clinton says they did not have inappropriate access to that woman.

The Clinton Foundation has been facing lots of tough questions over whether its donors had inappropriate access to Hillary Clinton while she was Secretary of State. C’mon, not even Bill Clinton has inappropriate access to Hillary anymore.

President Obama is expanding his “My Brother’s Keeper” initiative, which is aimed at bringing more opportunities to young minority boys, spinning it off as a non-profit in order to reach more kids. This is the first and only time you’ll be glad to hear that your President wants to touch more children.

The FBI is investigating a California gym instructor who lied about his military record to bring in more clients. Wait those aerobic bootcamp classes aren’t authentic???

The FBI is investigating a California gym instructor who lied about his military record to bring in more clients. We’ve had elected officials who’ve lied about their military record and hardly anyone bats an eye, but god forbid we let some Crossfitter get away with it, better call in the FBI.

Giuliana Rancic’s husband defended her racially toned comments about Zendaya from a few months ago, saying she “didn’t do anything wrong.” Has he watched her E! red carpet coverage? She’s never done anything right, either.

The trailer for Robin Williams’ last movie has been released, in which he voices a talking dog. This must be some comfort to his fans and family, as all dogs go to heaven.

Independence Day 2 will have a female president. Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa I can suspend my disbelief for the whole aliens invading earth thing, but this??

San Antonio resident Cynthia Rodriguez unwrapped a Nature Valley granola bar and found a bag of cocaine inside. Whole grains will keep you regular, but cocaine will also keep you moving.

San Antonio resident Cynthia Rodriguez unwrapped a Nature Valley granola bar and found a bag of cocaine inside. Unsure of what it was, she called the company, assuming she’d won a prize. “Sounds like you did,” said Nature Valley.

Russia showed off new tanks in a Victory Day parade rehearsal, only to have one break down right in front of Lenin’s tomb. Russia insists it was an intentional stop. They also insist that Lenin was just rolling over in his grave for a better parade view.

Something something “Royal Baby birth” something something “crowning.”

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