This Week’s Jokes: Week of 4/27/15

A recent study by Spotify says that 40-year-olds listening to One Direction and Taylor Swift are most likely having a musical midlife crisis. Or just a regular midlife crisis, and they’re dating teenagers.

Raven-Symoné’s guest-hosting on The View was such a success that they’re trying to sign the former child star to do the show permanently. I don’t think they should pressure her into anything she doesn’t want to do, though; she’s probably already had enough of that from Bill Cosby.

Chipotle became the first major restaurant chain to serve food completely free of genetically engineered ingredients. This makes it also the first major fast food chain to give customers diarrhea completely free of genetically engineered ingredients.

Vanilla Ice, who appears in Adam Sandler’s Netflix comedy The Ridiculous Six, defended the integrity of the film after Native American actors walked off the set. Yes, the guy who refuses to acknowledge that “Ice Ice Baby” samples Queen surely knows a thing or two about integrity.

Vanilla Ice, who appears in Adam Sandler’s Netflix comedy The Ridiculous Six, defended the integrity of the film after Native American actors walked off the set. “Don’t get all red-faced,” he said in an attempt to calm the actors down, making it way, way worse.

Nicki Minaj performed at the bar mitzvah of taxi bigwig Andrew Murstein’s son this past weekend. They probably could’ve skipped the bar mitzvah and gone straight to Nicki Minaj’s performance; seeing her in person would turn any boy into a man real quick.

Bud Light’s rape-y new marketing campaign “The perfect beer for removing ‘no’ from your vocabulary for the night.” But what do you drink so that you’ll be able to say “no” to drinking their shitty beer?

Angelina Jolie went to the UN to criticize the lack of international efforts to address the humanitarian crisis in Syria. But what’s she doing to help? She hasn’t even adopted a kid from there yet.

Angelina Jolie went to the UN to criticize the lack of international efforts to address the humanitarian crisis in Syria. Angelina Jolie knows a lot about the consequences of unnecessary bloodshed; remember those blood vial necklaces she got with Billy Bob Thornton?

Chris Brown might not have custodial rights to his new baby, even if he’s the biological father, because his ex listed her boyfriend as the father on the birth certificate. I think it’s great that his ex is legally bindingly embarrassed that Chris Brown is the father of her child.

You can now download a Tamagotchi on the Apple Watch. And if you still can’t keep that thing alive as an adult, well, that’s on you.

You can now download a Tamagotchi on the Apple Watch. OMG it also enables time travel??

Justin Bieber is reportedly joining the cast of Zoolander 2. Aw, that’s nice that they reached out to real-life “kids who can’t read good.”

The Hollywood Reporter has rounded up the top 100 lawyers in the entertainment business. Sorry, that should have read: “The Hollywood Reporter has rounded up the top 100 richest Jews in the entertainment business.”

California Gov. Jerry Brown is ordering his state to cut harmful emission levels more aggressively than any other government in North America. Pretty ambitious for a state full of people who love the smell of their own farts.

About half of the protesters and press arrested in Baltimore on Monday were released mid-week without any charges. Yes, that’s outrageous, but on the other hand, maybe the less the Baltimore police do the better.

Miss Piggy is being honored by the Brooklyn Museum’s Sackler Center with a First Award, which celebrates female trailblazers. I guess we can’t call men who hate feminism “pigs” anymore.

Miss Piggy is being honored by the Brooklyn Museum’s Sackler Center with a First Award, which celebrates female trailblazers. She deserves it; all these years she’s had to do her job with a man’s hand up her butt the whole time.

Ellen DeGeneres has teamed up with Netflix to turn Dr. Seuss’ Green Eggs and Ham  into a TV series. I will not binge watch Green Eggs and Ham, I will not binge watch it Sam I Am.

John Stewart and his family are starting an animal farm. I assume it is a metaphor for political unrest.

Cassandra Bankson, a YouTube celebrity who’s helped millions cover up severe acne with her makeup tips, just discovered that she has two vaginas. Can’t wait for that cover-up tutorial!

Cassandra Bankson, a YouTube celebrity who’s helped millions cover up severe acne with her makeup tips, just discovered that she has two vaginas, proving spring really is the season for two lips.

Cassandra Bankson, a YouTube celebrity who’s helped millions cover up severe acne with her makeup tips, just discovered that she has two vaginas. And her last gynecologist just discovered that they’re really, really bad at their job.

Stephen Hawking reassured fans of One Direction by stating that one day, through the study of theoretical physics, we may be able to prove the existence of alternate universes, and there’s bound to be one where Zayn Malik is still in the band. Unfortunately, it’s probably also the alternate universe where Zayn murders Harry Styles and every other member is a small dog and/or robot.

US officials are rethinking policy that prohibits families of hostages from making ransom payments to get their loved ones back. “Now just seems like the right point in history,” said officials. “We have Venmo.”

Australian host/model/actress Elle MacPherson told Page 6 she always carries urine testers in her purse. Look, she’s a self-made business woman. As her own employer and employee, she has to test her own urine.

 

 

 

 

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