This Week’s Jokes: Week of 4/20/15

Oskar Groening, the 93-year-old known as the “accountant of Auschwitz” went on trial in Germany this week for his time as a Nazi guard and bookkeeper at the concentration camp. All those Jews and they still needed a separate accountant? The real crime here is wasted resources!

Kraft announced that it’s dropping all artificial preservatives and synthetic colors from its Mac & Cheese recipe. But does anyone who’s trying to be healthy eat that stuff, anyway?

There’s going to be a Full House sequel on Netflix called Fuller House. I wonder which Olsen twin will lose that coin flip and have to participate?

There’s going to be a Full House sequel on Netflix called Fuller House. Now that the Olsen twins are old enough to both act full-time, I hope they have them both on the show and say that Michelle asexually regenerated, like an amoeba.

The Department of Homeland Security is moving to Silicon Valley so it can be closer to US tech companies that need help with cyber security. And because they all want razor scooters.

Lindsay Lohan posted on Instagram with an Arabic caption that she thought translated to “You’re Beautiful,” but actually reads “You are a donkey.” Jesus this is the kind of thing that’s finally going to push Eeyore to kill himself.

A federal judge OK’d a settlement between the NFL and ex-players who say the league covered up what it knew about the effects of concussions. I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that they covered it up; their football-related brain damage probably just made them forget.

The Department of Justice and FBI have admitted that examiners in the hair forensic unit have given flawed testimony for years. Probably because every case they were all like “ewwww hairrr whatever guilty just get it away from meeee!”

Ariana Grande and Big Sean broke up. Now that he won’t be with her, I guess he can just be called “Sean.”

A British semi-pro soccer player was fired for having sex in the dugout while still in his uniform. That would never happen on an American soccer team–they’d just be thrilled that there are fans of American soccer.

A British semi-pro soccer player was fired for having sex in the dugout while still in his uniform. Including his shin guards? That’s some over-protected sex.

Mike Huckabee advises Americans to stay out of the military until President Obama’s term ends. Because he hasn’t started any major new wars and uses drones to keep soldiers away from direct conflicts, so you’ll be bored?

Channing Tatum lost his backpack in NYC, but was reunited with it via Twitter. He’s lucky he lost an accessory and not an actual article of clothing; no one would have wanted him to have that back. (Get it? Cos he’s hot?)

A professional hunter tracking a lion was reportedly trampled to death by an elephant mid-hunt. And the lion didn’t even say thank you, he was all like, “I told you, I had this.”

A professional hunter tracking a lion was reportedly trampled to death by an elephant mid-hunt. Boy, that elephant’s going to hold this over that lion’s head forever; they never forget.

A professional computer security expert was removed from a United flight after pointing out how easy United’s security system hypothetically would be to hack. I don’t know, I think all they’ve done is given him a motive to actually do it.

Celebrity chef Bobby Flay cheated on his wife with his assistant. Of course that guy would have a side dish.

Celebrity chef Bobby Flay cheated on his wife with his assistant. Brings a whole new meaning to the term “sous chef.”

Six police officers resigned in a small Missouri town after the town elected a black, female mayor. Hey, they didn’t shoot her though, so that’s progress.

 

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