This Week’s Jokes: Week of 4/13/15

21-year-old Jordan Spieth won the Masters at Augusta National Golf Club. Youth is wasted on the young who love the same sports as old, out-of-shape retirees.

Gwyneth Paltrow is attempting to live off of food stamps for 1 week. And it’s hard; but to be fair, it would also be really hard for the average person to buy enough groceries to live off of Gwyneth Paltrow’s typical budget in 1 week.

Australian PM Tony Abbott announced that some government benefits will be denied to Australian parents who refuse to vaccinate their kids. To get around this new rule, anti-vaxxers whose children die as a result have been telling the government, “maybe a dingo ate my baby.”

Australian PM Tony Abbott announced that some government benefits will be denied to Australian parents who refuse to vaccinate their kids. For one, their toilets will flush clockwise.

After hearing his father Prince William was in China, baby Prince George reportedly looked for him in the china cabinet and said, “Daddy is not here.” Enjoy, England. That’s your future king. Good luck!

After hearing his father Prince William was in China, baby Prince George reportedly looked for him in the china cabinet and said, “Daddy is not here,” making him the most powerful child ever to disappoint his parents by wanting to be a comedian.

After hearing his father Prince William was in China, baby Prince George reportedly looked for him in the china cabinet and said, “Daddy is not here.” Aww, what an adorable misunderstanding that could only happen to a rich person.

Russian President Putin lifted a ban on selling a missile defense system to Iran, at a time when the international community is trying to limit Iran’s military capabilities. Russia’s like that older kid who didn’t graduate and now just hangs outside the liquor store buying other high school kids their beer.

Lindsay Lohan’s mother, Dina, is selling all of her daughter’s stuff in an “online flea market.” Can’t say I’m surprised that Lindsay Lohan’s stuff is covered in fleas.

A recent survey from Wichita State University and Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University found that airline quality drastically declined in 2014. Yeah, but they probably included all those Malaysian Planes; that’ll skew things a bit.

According to a Gallup survey released yesterday, 90% of American adults now have health insurance. And 5% of American adults have good health insurance.

Beyonce’s mom Tina Knowles got married last Sunday, with a wedding that–like her daughter Solange’s–required guests to dress in white. It’s weird that the Knowles family keeps having these whites-only parties.

The FDA says the “healthy” label on KIND bars should be removed, I presume because there’s no way it’s healthy for someone to be nice all the time.

Drake says he was not disgusted, but pleasantly surprised, by his make-out session with Madonna at Coachella, telling fans, “Don’t misinterpret my shock.” People have been telling Madonna that for years.

Drake says he was not disgusted, but pleasantly surprised, by his make-out session with Madonna at Coachella, telling fans, “Don’t misinterpret my shock.” Oh yeah, now that I think of it, I remember seeing a picture of Drake at a surprise birthday party where he also looked like he was miserable and going to barf all over everything.

Following a six-month suspension from his position as anchor for NBC Nightly News, Brian Williams was spotted on his first outing with his wife and daughter. But who will report on it???

The founder and CEO of Gravity Payments cut his $1 million salary to $70,000 and made the latter minimum wage for all of his employees. Wow. I would never take a pay cut for my employees, and I’m self-employed.

The founder and CEO of Gravity Payments cut his $1 million salary to $70,000 and made the latter minimum wage for all of his employees. For Gravity Payments, that’s minimum wage; for the average person, that’s still “‘fuck you’ money.”

CareerCast.com lists newspaper journalists as the Worst Job of 2015. Someone oughta tell them that! No, seriously, it’s on a website and they’re print journalists; they won’t know if you don’t.

There’s a gay character in the newest Mortal Kombat video game. Strengths: speed, agility, lightning bolts out of his fists. Weaknesses: the ability to get married in every U.S. state.

The gravestone of Hillary Clinton’s father was found knocked over by vandals. Or maybe, it was just him rolling over in his grave at the prospect of a woman President, amiright???

Lord Nelson, a horse who was also a Rutgers professor, former cop, and football player, died this week. I felt bad about the fact that a horse has accomplished so much more in his life than I have, but then I read that he was 42; so I’ve still got plenty of time.

An ultra-Orthodox newspaper in Jerusalem photoshopped a receipt over a picture of Kim Kardashian in a photo, saying she’s a “pornographic symbol.” Oh, right, like those Jews won’t jerk off to money.

Ashley Madison, a website for married people looking to cheat, has announced plans for an IPO. Wow, can’t believe they’re going public with their affairs.

Earlier this week, the EU brought anti-trust charges against Google. And in further unfortunate news for Google, their own algorithm then suggested ads for other charges the EU could also bring against them.

Thursday was the first day back to school for Sierra Leone’s 1.8 million kids, after a nine-month break due to Ebola. Every morning they’d look out the window and cry out, “Yay, another Ebola day, no school!”

New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez has been convicted of murder. The only blocking he’ll be doing now is cell blocking, right???

Yesterday, the NFL announced that it will reinstate Minnesota Vikings star running back Adrian Peterson. Man, it’s lucky for him that Aaron Hernandez killed that guy and took the heat off him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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