This Week’s Jokes: Week of 4/6/15

Blake Lively has reportedly named all three of her Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants co-stars as godmothers to her child. Is Blake Lively one of those people who thinks work-friends are actually their real friends?

An eighth grade student is being charged with a felony for “hacking” his teacher’s computer by guessing the password and changing the background to a picture of two men kissing. Anyone want to guess where this idiocy happened? Anyone? Yup, Florida. Too easy, right?

On Friday, authorities in Arizona released a video of a conflict between police and Christian street performers that left one man dead in a Walmart parking lot last month. And then three days later, he rose from his tomb in a Walmart dumpster.

The Manhattan district attorney’s office says that Harvey Weinstein will not be charged for allegedly groping an Italian model last month. But notice they also didn’t say he didn’t do it…

The Manhattan district attorney’s office says that Harvey Weinstein will not be charged for allegedly groping an Italian model last month. Reportedly, he grabbed her breast and yelled, “Now that’s a spicy meat-a-ball!”

Madonna tried stand-up comedy for the first time on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon this week. I don’t know why people are saying she bombed; that premise seems funny enough all on its own.

The White House revealed that Russian hackers cyberattacked the State Department last year. LOLOLOLOL they probably know more about Hillary’s emails than we do.

Rapper Cam’ron is hiding $100 in cereal boxes all over New York City. $100? Guess that’s why this wasn’t reported as successful Rapper Cam’ron.

The NFL hired its first female referee. Um, doesn’t she know that stripes make you look fat?

The NFL hired its first female referee. This won’t change anything about the league’s rules, except that kickers will no longer be allowed to use the word “punt,” because it sounds too close to that other word.

There’s going to be a Teletubbies reboot, which an actress on the show claims will appeal to adults as much as kids. Sounds like they’re finally embracing their built-in stoner demographic.

There’s going to be a Teletubbies reboot, which an actress on the show claims will appeal to adults as much as kids. Oooh, I can’t wait to watch Teletubbies fighting zombies and cooking meth while they work at an advertising agency in the ’60s.

A street artist named Plastic Jesus is putting up “No Kardashian Parking Anytime” signs all around Hollywood. Hahaha. As if they park their own cars!

A street artist named Plastic Jesus is putting up “No Kardashian Parking Anytime” signs all around Hollywood. Luckily Plastic Moses will lead the Kardashians through the California desert in search of a promised land where they will be welcome and thrive.

A street artist named Plastic Jesus is putting up “No Kardashian Parking Anytime” signs all around Hollywood. Based on his art, I guess the name “Plastic Jesus” was inspired by Mean Girls.

President Obama is calling for a ban on gay conversion therapy for minors. But then where will we get all those repressed Republican congressmen??

Gertrude Weaver, the world’s oldest person, died on Monday at age 116. Another world’s oldest person died? That’s the second one this month…What the hell is going on???

Gertrude Weaver, the world’s oldest person, died on Monday at age 116. Doctors called her death “Not at all preventable. Come on. Don’t look at us. She was old.”

Bees interrupted last Sunday’s White House Easter Egg Roll. Who do I talk to about optioning the movie rights for that?

A New York judge issued a landmark ruling that allows divorce papers to be served via Facebook message. They just have to be notarized by a sticker of a dancing cat.

A Louisiana high school is trying to ban a girl from wearing a tuxedo to her prom. Why? Is that too formal for Louisiana?

 

 

 

 

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