This Week’s Jokes: Week of 3/30/15

Jay Z is headed to trial over a copyright lawsuit claiming the rapper illegally sampled an Egyptian song in his hit single “Big Pimpin.” Shouldn’t we also address the fact that pimping, in and of itself, is illegal?

A 50-year-old woman in Ohio allegedly stabbed her boyfriend because “he ate all the salsa.” That’s terrible. Anyone over 35 shouldn’t be referring to their significant other as their “boyfriend.”

The Rolling Stones have announced a 15-Date North American tour, “Zip Code.” Oh man what if they went on tour with the Beatles? Then it’d be “Zip Code + (Fab) Four.”

The Rolling Stones have announced a 15-Date North American tour, “Zip Code.” It’s named that because they’re all so old they’ll have their home address pinned to their shirts in case they get confused and get lost while they’re out there.

Restaurants like Olive Garden and Red Lobster reportedly knowingly sourced seafood from slave labor. Are we sure they knew? They barely know their meals are real fish.

Chris Brown is starting a Las Vegas Residency on May 2. Does this mean the rest of the world can finally be done with him? What happens in Vegas is supposed to stay in Vegas, right?
Tiger Woods is now the 104th-ranked golfer in the world, his first time out of the top 100 since 90s. For real, though, that guy hasn’t been keeping it 100 for years. 

Spain is moving forward with a bill to offer citizenship to the descendants of Spanish Jews who were exiled under the Spanish Inquisition in 1492. Who would want to live with a landlord who evicted them?Spain is moving forward with a bill to offer citizenship to the descendants of Spanish Jews who were exiled under the Spanish Inquisition in 1492. That happened in 1492? Didn’t realize. How can I remember…Oh, I’ve got it: “In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue, and also hated Jews.”

A 4-year-old Philadelphia girl got on a bus at 3am, telling the driver she just wanted a slushie. He quickly called the authorities, because if she was from Philadelphia and not calling it “wooder ice,” she must have been very confused.

A CBS headline this week read, “7 Shot at Spring Break Party in Florida.” This is very tragic, unless they just misplaced an “s.”

Due to the state’s overwhelming drought, California is now restricting how much water people can use. Does this mean California’s water laws are tighter than their drug laws?

Due to the state’s overwhelming drought, California is now restricting how much water people can use in showering, watering lawns, etc. But doesn’t everyone in Hollywood shower with pure bottled water from France anyway?

The Palestinian Authority was admitted to the International Criminal Court, another step on their quest for statehood. Wow, such official-sounding names! Is the next step being admitted to the Justice League?

T-Pain accidentally let slip that Robert Pattinson and FK Twigs are engaged. Man what a T-Pain in the ass PR nightmare for those two now.

T-Pain accidentally let slip that Robert Pattinson and FK Twigs are engaged. I assume they were trying to keep it quiet because in some places, it’s still taboo for a woman of color to marry a sparkly vampire.

A Russian hacker and security technician recently briefly held the ability to delete everything on YouTube. It still would have been fine, though; all dog videos go to heaven.

A Russian hacker and security technician recently briefly held the ability to delete everything on YouTube, making him the most diabolical Bond villain yet.

A Russian hacker and security technician recently briefly held the ability to delete everything on YouTube, but ended up giving it to Google for a $5,000 bounty. Wow, that joke in Austin Powers where Dr. Evil holds the earth ransom for $1 million is now dated in more ways than one.

Vatican doctors are telling the Pope to cut back on carbs, since he’s gained weight since moving to Italy. Well how the hell is he supposed to still visit Philly in September?

Karl Lagerfeld claims his cat made 3 million euros last year. Well, guess what, it still poops in a box.

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