This Week’s Jokes: Week of 3/16/15

In its latest policy recommendations, the Federal Reserve subtly hinted it could raise borrowing rates next year. Wow economics is difficult to understand so let me break it down for you: The money is still money but now they might make it worth more money because they’re less afraid of it being worth less money but don’t worry about it, just keep spending money.

TIME magazine’s latest cover appears to show Hillary Clinton with a set of devil horns. “What? Absolutely not!” said the editors of TIME. “They were supposed to be Jew-horns. We think she’s a secret Jew.”

Starbucks is encouraging its employees to discuss race with their customers. Hey Starbucks, I don’t need you telling me how to talk about race! I already know to order my coffee African American.

Starbucks is encouraging its employees to discuss race with their customers. We should have seen this coming; last month they introduced that new “Flat White” coffee drink.

Starbucks is encouraging its employees to discuss race with their customers. Still not as weird as McDonald’s telling its employees to let customers pay with hugs.

Starbucks is encouraging its employees to discuss race with their customers. Is this the HR-approved way of saying they want employees to kick out people of “a certain element”?

Starbucks is encouraging its employees to discuss race with their customers. Oh sure, they can’t even get the names right on coffee cups, but I’m sure they can handle the complexities of analyzing race relations.

A drunk driver accidentally crashed his car onto Jennifer Aniston’s front lawn. Sounds like the meet-cute for her next romantic comedy!

Paul McCartney’s ex-wife Heather Mills said he has to do songs with Kanye West and Rihanna in order to remain “relevant.” Kind of like how Heather Mills has to talk about Paul McCartney to remain relevant?

A New York Times story alleges that in recent years, the C.I.A. has inadvertently funded Al Qaeda. Boy oh boy, what an oopsie!

A New York Times story alleges that in recent years, the C.I.A. has inadvertently funded Al Qaeda. How did that happen? Well, you know when you were in college, and your parents gave you money for books and tuition, and you blew it all on booze and drugs instead and they had no idea but probably should have? Yeah, basically the same thing.

A church in San Francisco has reportedly installed a system that keeps its stairs wet to prevent homeless people from sleeping on them. What are they, witches? Will they melt if they touch water? Fuck off.

A church in San Francisco has reportedly installed a system that keeps its stairs wet to prevent homeless people from sleeping on them. That’s not very Christian. Jesus would turn that wet stair water into wine.

A new study found that people who watched cooking shows were more likely to have a higher BMI. I guess you are what you imagine yourself eating.

27 high school students in Kansas diagnosed with tuberculosis. One of the few things I know about TB is that Edgar Allan Poe’s cousin had it, and he married her, so I assume what’s happening is there’s a lot of cousin-fucking going on in Kansas.

In announcing that Josh Earnest is taking over the White House Press Secretary job, President Obama said, “his name describes his demeanor…Josh is an earnest guy.” Then he played that gif of Sasha and Malia rolling their eyes at him on repeat.

Three men are being locked up in a Burmese prison for promoting their bar on Facebook with a picture of a Buddha wearing headphones. It’s not that it’s disrespectful to depict the Buddha wearing headphones; it’s the type of headphones they chose. Religious deities should never be depicted jamming out to anything less than Beats by Dre.

US Weekly has retracted their interview with Kendall Jenner. I mean, couldn’t they just retract Kendall Jenner altogether, if they wanted? Do those people exist without the tabloids?

An employee in the state Department of Environmental Protection says he was suspended and told to get a medical evaluation for refusing to purge mentions of climate change from a state record. But to be fair, all the oppressive heat from Global Warming probably *has* fried his brain.

One of the members of One Direction abruptly quit the boy band’s world tour. Do you hear that? It’s the sound of every member of the BackStreet Boys, 98 degrees and N*Sync (except Justin Timberlake) calling their agent.

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