Each week, the New Yorker holds a caption contest. They choose 3 finalists, and readers vote on the winner. I am never going to win. Instead, I’m going to try my best to lose, like, real hard. Here are some bad captions for this week’s cartoon. Which one should I submit?

Drawing by Paul Noth, Contest #467, March 23, 2015

1. “He’s in jail. For selling crack cocaine.”

2. “Lookit that fucker up there in his penthouse. Thinks he’s better than us. Well newsflash: He ain’t!”

3. “Settle down back there, wouldja?! I have no idea why the caged bird sings so geez just calm down, all of yas, and maybe I can get to the bottom of this!”

4. “Damn shame when you see a bird who’d rather poop on some newspapers at the bottom of a cage than the good, fine earth and tops of people’s heads below us.”

5. “Listen kids, your father and I have…separated. He’s going to be staying in a living room in Des Moines for a few months. And yes, it is all your fault.”