Tom Hanks Can’t Compete with Girl Scout Cookies

This week’s sketch was inspired by last week’s topical joke: “A group of Girl Scouts were lucky enough to have Tom Hanks drop by and help them with their cookie sales. Wow. Life is like a box of chocolates: You never know which celebrity endorsement for your boxes of cookies you’re gonna get.”

TOM HANKS CAN’T COMPETE WITH GIRL SCOUT COOKIES

TOM HANKS is helping two Girl Scouts sell cookies door-to-door. They ring the bell at a house.

GIRL SCOUT 1
Gee, Mr. Hanks, thanks so much for helping us sell these Girl Scout cookies!

GIRL SCOUT 2
On behalf of everyone in Troop 548!

TOM HANKS
Anytime, girls! I’m sure people will be really excited to see a celebrity. You’ll sell lots more boxes!

They ring the door bell. A WOMAN opens the door.

TOM HANKS
Hello ma’am! We’re selling Girl Scout cookies!

WOMAN
Oh wow, Tom Hanks. And GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!!! This is so exciting. Do you have any more Samoas?

GIRL SCOUT 1
We sure do!

TOM HANKS
Great pick, ma’am. I actually met these girls when I was purchasing a box of Samoas from their table outside of Whole Foods. That’s a Hollywood star-endorsed choice right there!

WOMAN
Oh, I just like them–I don’t care who else is eating them. Girls, how about Tagalongs? Do you have those this year?

GIRL SCOUT 2
Yup!

TOM HANKS
Haha! Tagalongs! Kind of like how I’m “tagging along” with these Girl Scouts, using my star power to support young women bolstering their entrepreneurial skills!

WOMAN
Oh, well, I’m sure they’d be just fine on their own. They’re big girls!

TOM HANKS
Oh sure, grown-up big girls! Like in Big! That movie I starred in that won the hearts of millions all across the country! And now here I am, Tom Hanks, on your front porch, helping these Girl Scouts sell their cookies! What a thrill for you!

WOMAN
Well, of course it is. Girl Scout cookie time is my FAVORITE time of year! Girls, I’ll take 1 box of Samoas, 2 boxes of Tagalongs, and all the Thin Mints you’ve got!

GIRL SCOUT 1
You got it!

TOM HANKS
Oh, Thin Mints? Well, that reminds me of the time when I lost a ton of weight for my Oscar-winning performance in Castaway. People really loved that movie! I still get people stopping me on the street saying, “Hey, Tom Hanks, the celebrity, take a picture with me!” and “Hey, Tom Hanks, the huge movie star, autograph my volleyball!” Yup, everyone’s always excited to see me, America’s Sweetheart, Tom Hanks!

WOMAN
Castaway? Hm, I don’t think I’ve seen that one, sorry. Anyway, thanks girls, I can’t wait to eat these cookies!!! This is the greatest day of my life!!!

She shuts the door.

GIRL SCOUT 2
Sorry, Mr. Hanks. People just really love Girl Scout cookies. But at least we still sold a ton of boxes!

TOM HANKS
This kind of thing would never happen to Julia Roberts.

Blackout.

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