This Week’s Jokes: Week of 3/9/15

New York City mayor Bill de Blasio was late to a St. Patrick’s Day parade last Saturday, and then on top of that he had the audacity to soberly say goodbye to everyone before leaving.

Students at a New Mexico high school elected to have a communism-themed prom this year. Wait, they chose that themselves? By popular vote? I don’t think they understand communism.

GOP Congressmen wrote a letter to Iran, letting the country know that they oppose Obama’s nuclear deal, and that they could cancel it after Obama leaves office. At the end of the note, they also added, “Do u like us? Check YES or NO.”

Two helicopters collided in a remote part of Argentina, killing 10 people who were contestants on a popular European survivalist reality show. So…I guess they all lost.

Wondering if you should buy the new Apple Watch? Well, do you have $10,000? Then don’t.

50 Cent claims that his 2-year-old son has landed a $700,000 modeling contract. It’d be more believable if he said his 2-year-old son was also shot nine times.

Ferguson, Missouri’s police chief resigned this week, while Kathy Griffin resigned from E!’s Fashion Police. Good. Neither of them were qualified to be cops in their precincts.

A group of Girl Scouts were lucky enough to have Tom Hanks drop by and help them with their cookie sales. Wow. Life is like a box of chocolates: You never know which celebrity endorsement for your boxes of cookies you’re gonna get.

China is fighting with the Dalai Lama over who gets to be reincarnated as the next Dalai Lama. It’s the “When does life begin…again? And then again and again and again?” debate.

Two Secret Service agents allegedly drove drunk into a White House security barrier. Yes, it was a threat to White House security; but on the other hand, better the devil you know…

Two Secret Service agents allegedly drove drunk into a White House security barrier, and possibly through an active bomb threat investigation. In their defense, the agents said, “Well we heard it, and we thought: ‘to investigate the bomb, you gotta think like the bomb.’ So we got bombed.”

Johnson & Johnson is in legal trouble for selling Children’s Tylenol for a full year after learning many bottles were winding up with metal pieces inside, even though no one got hurt. I’m sick of people overprotecting kids. First we wouldn’t let them eat paint chips, now they can’t have their metal pills!

Apple debuted a new gold laptop. Are they following Steve Jobs’ vision or Lil Jon’s?

A prize-winning Irish Setter died after being fed steak laced with poison backstage at a dog show. Ooooh, did somebuddy get murdered at the dog show? Did he? Did he? Oooh, who’s a dead doggy? Who’s a dead doggy?!

Someone left a Lamborghini on the side of a highway in Texas. Police think it’s either an abandoned mid-life crisis or a dead Transformer.

Leonardo DiCaprio donated $50,000 to Adrien Grenier’s Kickstarter to make a documentary about whales. Wait, I’m sorry, that can’t be right–shouldn’t that sentence end with “to bro-out with my boys and date models”?

Leonardo DiCaprio donated $50,000 to Adrien Grenier’s Kickstarter to make a documentary about whales. That’s a weird and kind of mean way to describe the cast of the Entourage movie.

French authorities had to break up a cartel of yogurt manufacturers. This has to be white collar crime at its whitest…because of all the yogurt they accidentally dropped all over their collars when the cops showed up! No, wait, I ruined it.

A whale-watching tourist died after a whale leapt out of the water and landed on her boat. This is tragic, but it’s also basically the real-life version of every Free Willy parody ending.

Arizona legislators have cut funding for community colleges. Weird decision for an entire state populated by community college graduates.

The lead guitarist of Slipknot was stabbed in the head by his own brother. Police are unsure whether this was a murder attempt, or an attempt at making a new Slipknot mask.

 

 

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