This Week’s Jokes: Week of 3/2/15

This Week's Jokes

The New York Times reported that Hillary Clinton only used a personal email address during her time as Secretary of State. But to be fair, the Secretary of State has to host and visit with a lot of foreign leaders, and her Groupon emails are the best place to find things to do without breaking the Federal budget.

In a recent interview, the artist who painted Bill Clinton’s official presidential portrait said he secretly included a shadow that was supposed to represent Monica Lewinsky’s infamous blue dress. Bill Clinton responded: “Oh yeah, I knew there must’ve been a reason I wanted to cum on that painting!”

The Forbes Billionaires List came out this week. How about a Forbes Rich in Life Experiences and Overall Character List, eh?

Barbara Mikulski, the 78-year-old US Senator who’s been in Congress longer than any woman in history, announced she won’t be running for reelection in 2016. But should she really have the right to choose to terminate her candidacy?

Tinder is offering new tiered premium services, but they’ll cost twice as much for people over 30. On the one hand, this is ageist; one the other hand, old-people sex is icky and gross.

Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu spoke to Congress to oppose the US’s potential nuclear deal with Iran. Oh gee, a Jew complaining about something, what a surprise.

Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu’s speech to Congress opposing US’s potential nuclear deal with Iran has given his re-election campaign a boost in Israel. Seems like he’s trying a little hard, though–American campaigners just go to Iowa, play some Bruce Springsteen and call it a day.

A Justice Department investigation has concluded that Ferguson police routinely discriminate against African Americans, which the Justice Department probably could have realized without a full investigation, if only they weren’t also busy discriminating against African Americans.

Former CIA Director David Petraeus pleaded guilty to sharing military secrets with his mistress, and could face up to one year in prison, unless the sentencing hearing judge is just like “Haha don’t worry about it bro I’ve done crazy things to get chicks to sleep with me too.”

A Boston woman used Tinder to find someone to help her shovel out her car. I guess she couldn’t find anyone to plow her.

Chris Brown is a father. Geez I guess they’re just letting anyone do that job now.

A chunk of Britney Spears’ hair extensions fell out during a Las Vegas performance, and we know because a bunch of fans tweeted about it, because apparently they don’t know the rules about what happens in Vegas.

A chunk of Britney Spears’ hair extensions fell out during a Las Vegas performance. Why is this news? Remember that time when she completely shaved her head? She’ll be fine.

The Australian government might change South Australia’s time zone to avoid TV spoilers. But I thought all their TV shows played backwards there anyway?