This Week’s Jokes: Week of 2/23/15

A standoff in Congress could force the Department of Homeland Security to shut down this week. So get ready to bring WHATEVER YOU WANT onto airplanes!

Republicans in Congress are trying to challenge Obama’s immigration reform bill with a standoff on continuing funding for the Department of Homeland Security, which most of the funding for the President’s plan is under. But isn’t the Department of Homeland Security also the bureau of government that holds up that wall we have blocking all the Mexicans?

If Congress can’t agree on Department of Homeland Security funding by Friday, most Homeland Security employees–including Secret Service agents–will have to work without pay. But considering the kind of year the Secret Service has been having, maybe it’d be a good change of pace for them from pay without work.

Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert McDonald apologized for misstating his military record in a recent TV profile, where he was seen on camera telling a homeless veteran that he served in the special forces. Blah blah Brian Williams blah blah OK now that that’s out of the way:

Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert McDonald apologized for misstating his military record in a recent TV profile, where he was seen on camera telling a homeless veteran that he served in the special forces. Hey, you know what they say: The camera adds 10 higher ranks of military service.

A new study compared all kinds of substances, and found that pot is more than 100 times safer than alcohol. Pot smokers have known this for years, but doing a study sounds a lot more credible than you friend saying, “it’s, like, 100 times safer than alcohol.”

As part of a mandatory, three-day retraining course, the NYPD has been showing a scene from Road House where Patrick Swayze tells a bunch of tough guys to “be nice.” They’re also reminding cops to take risks and never give up on love by showing scenes from Dirty Dancing.

House Speaker John Boehner reprimanded lawmakers in a session on Wednesday, particularly on the importance of dressing appropriately during all sittings of the House.  Interesting that professional appearance is so important to a guy who purposefully has the skin tone of a Real Housewife of New Jersey.

House Speaker John Boehner reprimanded lawmakers in a session on Wednesday, particularly on the importance of dressing appropriately during all sittings of the House. Boehner then made all members stand with their arms at their sides, and sent anyone home whose skirt didn’t go past their fingertips.

The FCC has approved Net Neutrality, which means Internet providers can’t speed up access to some websites just because those sites are willing to pay for a faster connection. Which means your porn will now load just as fast as your other porn!

Disney is relaunching the cartoon Ducktales, which chronicles the adventures of billionaire Scrooge McDuck and his grandnephews. The show will air in 1% of markets.

Three men in Brooklyn were arrested for allegedly trying to provide material support for ISIS. Wow, ISIS really must be powerful if their operatives can afford to live in Brooklyn.

The New York Times declined to name a source quoted in a story about Port Authority public bathrooms, “because she has always wanted to be an anonymous source.” What a weird Make-A-Wish.

The New York Times declined to name a source quoted in a story about Port Authority public bathrooms, “because she has always wanted to be an anonymous source.” Not many people know this, but that’s also how Deep Throat got his start.

The former owner of a website that featured stolen nude photos of women is demanding that Google remove any mention of his connection to the site online. Geez, he’s being such a little girl he would have victimized a few years ago about this.

The former owner of a website that featured stolen nude photos of women is demanding that Google remove any mention of his connection to the site online. Google said, “send nudez and we’ll think abt it.”

Polish director Pawel Pawlikowski refused to leave the stage after winning the Best Foreign Language Film Oscar, shouting over the play-off music. Ugh. How many Pols does it take to finish an Oscars acceptance speech, right?

Donald Trump tweeted that the Oscars are “a sad joke, very much like our President.” But if the Oscars were really like our President, then they would’ve only been half white.

The Jewish Daily Forward reports that the Orthodox Union is currently in talks with parties interested in offering Kosher medical marijuana products. “We figured hey, if Moses saw a little burning bush, why can’t we?” said a spokes-Rabbi.

Sexual assault lawsuits are moving forward against the founder of Bikram Yoga. Yes! Justice! The yoga pants are about to be on the other butt!

Benji Madden got a tattoo of new wife Cameron Diaz’s first name, which seems silly, unless it’s so Cameron Diaz can remember which Madden twin she’s married to?

 

 

 

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