This Week’s Jokes: Week of 2/16/15

Two South Carolina inmates have received solitary confinement for being found using Facebook. If you don’t think that punishment fits the crime, well, keep in mind that in this case “solitary confinement” just means “Myspace.”

A Mississippi grand jury indicted Justice Court Judge Bill Weisenberger for felony assault after he allegedly struck a mentally disabled black man and yelled, “Run, n*****, run.” I don’t know, is that really that bad? At least he didn’t tell a phsyically disabled guy to run.

A New Jersey man appeared in court several times posing as his blind twin brother, “Tony,” in an attempt to get out of traffic tickets. Well, justice is blind, so points to him for trying to be relatable.

After a series of anti-semitic attacks in France, Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu reminded European Jews that they’re always welcome in Israel. “Well, not really,” said Palestinians.

A cargo train burst into flames after derailing in West Virginia. Well, that’s what happens when you go off the rails in the Bible Belt.

A U.K. couple was caught having sex against a subway escalator, and they had a baby with them. Wow, that was fast.

Leonardo DiCaprio and Rihanna spent Valentine’s Day together. OK, Valentine’s Day has jumped the shark.

A U.S. college student was gored in the sphincter during the Running of the Bulls in Spain. Many Spaniards were later heard giggling about how Americans are literally a pain in the ass.

Leslie Gore, singer of “It’s My Party,” passed away. Her family issued a statement about their mother’s death which read: “You would cry too if it happened to you.”

A Beyoncé fan site pulled unretouched photos of the singer after fans complained, offended on Beyoncé’s behalf. But…she woke up like this. So it’s sort of a back-handed offended-ness.

Allison Williams publicly defended her dad Brian Williams during an interview at the 92nd Street Y. But you know what? She played Peter Pan in a live broadcast on NBC, and I’m pretty sure she is not a teenage boy, so can we really trust her either?

Lance Armstrong pleaded guilty to failing to report a car accident, after hitting-and-running on two parked cars and initially trying to blame it on his girlfriend. Coming forward with the truth takes a lot of balls–which is why he didn’t do it originally.

Michigan police have determined that a woman who shot herself in the eye was adjusting a handgun in her bra holster when the weapon accidentally discharged. Be careful–apparently cancer isn’t the only way boobs are trying to murder people now.

Kanye West and Taylor Swift were spotted having dinner together in NYC. If they collaborate and win an award over Beyonce, while Kanye have to interrupt his own acceptance speech?

Kanye West and Taylor Swift were spotted having dinner together in NYC. A whole dinner. Kanye let her finish.

Miley Cyrus says that she hates shopping on Rodeo Drive because salespeople really do treat the public like they treated Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. But you’re not “the public,” Miley Cyrus. I think they just don’t like you.

Walmart is giving its lowest-paid employees a raise. So…everyone but the CEO?

Snowstorm Pandora is expected to hit the South, Midwest and Northeast this weekend, cycling through a medley of snow, sleet, rain, and commercials for Lending Tree home mortgage rates.

Allison Williams has postponed her wedding due to the scandal involving her father. Or, if you ask Brian Williams, the wedding already happened, and he had to dodge six IEDs as he walked her down the aisle.

Maury Povich is casting for an episode about people who can’t find love on Tinder. I hope all the guests that show up are just people who couldn’t figure out how to download the app.

Maury Povich is casting for an episode about people who can’t find love on Tinder. Tinder is an app designed primarily for random hook-ups, so wouldn’t that be…everyone?

 

 

 

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