This Week’s Jokes: Week of 2/9/15

In an audience cut-away during Annie Lennox’s performance of “I Put a Spell on You” at the Grammys, Taylor Swift looked really, really excited. Probably because it was the first time it occurred to her that she could punish her exes with both song AND witchcraft.

Madonna performed her newest single at the Grammys. Critics are calling it very “Madonna trying to sound like Lady Gaga trying to sound like Madonna.”

After ordering a pizza from Papa John’s, Iggy Azalea was outraged to find out that the delivery driver gave her phone number out to friends and family, which sounds like the start of the worst porn ever.

After ordering a pizza from Papa John’s, Iggy Azalea was outraged to find out that the delivery driver gave her phone number out to friends and family. If you don’t want pizza guys to realize you’re a celebrity, maybe don’t order pizza under your stage name.

After ordering a pizza from Papa John’s, Iggy Azalea was outraged to find out that the delivery driver gave her phone number out to friends and family. Iggy Azalea eats Papa John’s? Maybe that butt is real.

British farmers claim to have created onions that don’t make you cry. “See the problem is, the old onions were always so heavily influenced by British music,” said the farmers. “These new onions have never listened to The Cure.”

All-women college Bryn Mawr announced Monday that they’ve decided to clarify their admissions guidelines to make the school more welcoming to transgender women as well as intersex and gender non-conforming people. Or, if you’re a misogynist, all-women college Bryn Mawr has decided to spread dem guidelines wiiiiide open girrrlll.

A Colombian rebel group is listening to pageant winners’ calls for world peace, and have invited Miss Universe to attend peace talks with the government. “Oh, uh, we should probably get some Playboy Bunnies over here to discuss Russia and Ukraine,” said Obama, trying to keep it real cool.

Nigeria has postponed its presidential election, claiming it can’t ensure polls will be safe against Boko Haram. “Hm that’s a pretty good new idea to keep black people from voting,” said U.S. politicians who support voter ID legislation.

The director of 50 Shades of Grey has assured fans that the film stays true to the “journey” of the main character’s pubic hair as described in the book. Ugh, now in addition to women having to contend with whether or not to wax/shave our pubes, we also need backstories for them?

Apple CEO Tim Cook announced that the Apple Watch will have a feature to ping people when they’ve been sitting for a long time, because “sitting is the new cancer.” Hmm. Too bad. It’s gonna be tough to have sitting 5Ks.

President Obama formally asked Congress for permission to use force against ISIS, despite the fact that the US is already doing this with airstrikes. That’s like asking someone’s parents for permission to marry them, after you’ve already run off to Vegas to use force against ISIS.

Rep. David Moore of Montana is trying to strengthen the state’s indecent exposure laws, and was quoted as saying “Yoga pants should be illegal in public.” But you know what they say…if that ass don’t quit, you must acquit.

Tyalor Swift gave relationship advice to broken-hearted fan who contacted her on Tumblr. The advice was, “Don’t take relationship advice from Taylor Swift.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements