This Week’s Jokes: Week of 2/2/15

The CDC says that a measles outbreak that started at Disneyland has led to more than 100 people infected in at least 14 states. This really puts a damper on the Patriots’ post-Super Bowl plans.

Missy Elliot joined Katy Perry onstage for the Super Bowl half-time show. So for one night only, “Is it worth it” wasn’t a line from Missy’s hit single “Work It”; it was a soul-searching question as to whether or not one should associate herself with Katy Perry.

Always brand’s Super Bowl ad sought to redefine the term “like a girl.” If Always really doesn’t want to hold girls back, maybe they should sell tampons instead of pads.

Katy Perry got a tattoo commemorating her Super Bowl performance. “Geez, even I thought just a ring was already a bit much,” said Tom Brady

Katy Perry got a tattoo commemorating her Super Bowl performance, and Lenny Kravitz got photographic proof of it, because he wasn’t even sure he was actually there.

An off-duty NYC cop who assaulted an MTA worker got off without felony charges. So the next time you hear that “assaulting a transit worker is a crime” announcement, just mentally add, “sometimes.”

Shanna Moakler is getting her Travis Barker tattoos removed. That’s a pretty big step–she’ll have to get rid of not just the tattoos of Travis, but also the tattoos on the tattoos.

After going vegan for 22 days, Beyonce is launching a vegan delivery service. I wonder if Papa John got into the pizza delivery game by the same principle.

Cleveland Browns quarterback Johnny Manziel is going to rehab in the offseason. Reports are vague as to why specifically, but speculation is that he needs to figure out the “clear eyes” part of “clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.”

In Pinedale, Wyoming, a new sheriff has imposed a dress code where officers can no longer wear cowboy boots and hats while they’re on the clock. Same goes for ballerina costumes, firefighter hats, and blanket-capes.

Lance Bass says he stayed in the closet for the sake of *NSYNC. “I didn’t want to be the one to destroy the strong-male, heartthrob image we’d cultivated through our singing and dancing and elaborate colorful outfits,” says Bass.

A couple in Washington, D.C. left their 2-and-a-half-year-old and 22-month-old kids sleeping in the car in near-freezing conditions while they went into a restaurant to drink wine for nearly an hour. Two kids under 3? They’re lucky it was only an hour.

A couple in Washington, D.C. left their 2-and-a-half-year-old and 22-month-old kids sleeping in the car in near-freezing conditions while they went into a restaurant to drink wine for nearly an hour. In their defense, the parents said, “What, should we have drank the wine in the car? Oh yeah, drinking and driving would have been way better for the kids!”

A Massachusetts man stole a cop car, telling the officers, “You guys are boring, I’m going to go find crime.” Wow. Makes Batman’s origin story look prettttyyy lame, huh?

Brian Williams has admitted to lying for years about his helicopter crashing under fire in Iraq. Oh, he acted like an entitled asshole for his own gain? Now it totally makes sense why he’s proud of his daughter for being on Girls.

Brian Williams has admitted to lying for years about his helicopter crashing under fire in Iraq. In other news, there is no other news, because Brian Williams hasn’t thought it up yet.

 

 

 

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