This Week’s Jokes: Week of 1/26/15

This Week's Jokes

The London Evening Standard printed a photo of Tom Hanks taking up two seats on a New York City subway. Don’t worry though, it wasn’t man-spreading; at the time, Hanks was in his little boy body from Big.

An Oklahoma woman who taught a high school sex ed class has been accused of having sex with a teen student. Some would say that makes her uniquely qualified to teach the class.

An Oklahoma woman who taught a high school sex ed class has been accused of having sex with a teen student. Let’s hope she wasn’t a very good teacher, and the student is actually accusing her of something he just thinks is how babies get made.

Police in Hong Kong are searching for four diamond thieves, one of whom is reportedly a 12-year-old girl. Come on, maybe she’s just a lonely girl–let her have a best friend.

The NYPD arrested a teen for allegedly threatening police officers with emojis on his Facebook page. I don’t get it–those little smiley faces don’t have any little hands they can put up, do they?

“If I was too blunt, too direct, too loud and too New Jersey for Iowa, then why do you people keep inviting me back?” asked Governor Chris Christie at the Republican Iowa Freedom Summit. “Because this is Iowa–we’re not going to be too blunt, direct and loud and tell you you’re not welcome,” said Iowans.

Benedict Cumberbatch said that he thinks “colored actors” have it more difficult in the U.K. than the U.S. “Yeah, maybe because people still refer to us as ‘colored’ here,” said the actors.

A French judge ruled a baby named Nutella has to have her name changed because it’s not “in the child’s best interest.” Why? Is she allergic to nuts?

A lot with an old gas station on it in Crown Heights, Brooklyn has been sold for $32 million. So you’re wrong, economists, oil prices are not going down.

Shares in Shake Shack have jumped 130% since the company went public. 130% is also how Shack Shack measures portion sizes against regular-sized meals.

Seattle Seahawks player Richard Sherman is about to have a baby, potentially on Super Bowl Sunday. The NFL has said if it happens, they will extend congratulations, but also fine the baby for interfering with the game.