This Week’s Jokes: Week of 1/19/15

A group of researchers has named pizza as one of the biggest culprits behind childhood obesity. Phew. What a relief it doesn’t do anything to adults.

A group of researchers has named pizza as one of the biggest culprits behind childhood obesity, and also behind childhood FUN!

A group of researchers has named pizza as one of the biggest culprits behind childhood obesity, topped only by comic books, cartoon characters and roller skates.

For over a decade, New York subway cars have been discarded into the Atlantic in an environmental effort to create artificial reef habitats for fostering sea life. They were never helpful to life on land, so what hope do they have under the sea?

A Colorado pastor threatened to cancel a woman’s funeral upon finding out she was gay. Wait wait wait, I thought the church wanted gay people dead?

Lena Dunham has hired the real-life Olivia Pope as a “crisis management consultant.” Good, maybe this means Shonda Rhimes will take over writing Girls.

A new report reveals that 51 percent of America’s public school children qualified for free lunch at their schools in 2013. Unfortunately, there’s of course no such thing as a free lunch, so 51 percent of America’s public school children also starved to death in 2013.

Mitt Romney has started his campaigning for president with an anti-poverty platform, which is the most pro-Mitt Romney thing I’ve heard yet. If you’re anti-poor, you’re definitely pro-Mitt Romney.

During a Television Critics Association press tour, Billy Crystal said he felt gay sex scenes on TV are “pushing it,” adding “Sometimes I think, ‘Ah, that’s too much for me.'” Yep, not like that wholesome, family-friendly scene where he watches Meg Ryan have an orgasm in a diner.

The Secret Service reported that shots were fired outside of Joe Biden’s Delaware home last Saturday night. The most insidious part about this is that since the bullets were purchased in Delaware, they were tax-free.

President Obama called on Congress to raise taxes on the wealthiest individuals and the largest financial firms in his State of the Union Address on Tuesday, so now we’re going to give him a shot as head writer for this year’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner.

ESPN has reported that the NFL found 11 of the 12 game balls the Patriots used last Sunday were under-inflated. The Patriots are saying those reports are over-inflated.

The NFL found that 11 of the 12 game balls the Patriots used last Sunday against the Colts were under-inflated. So they beat them, AND they cheated on them? Well that makes this the worst scandal the NFL has seen all year.

While unveiling Windows 10, Microsoft debuted their new wearable tech: holographic goggles. Experts predict the top use for the product will be giving yourself private Tupac concerts wherever you go!

While unveiling Windows 10, Microsoft debuted their new wearable tech: holographic goggles. Geez, we get it, you’re nerds; your regular glasses told us that.

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