This Week’s Jokes: Week of 1/12/15

George Zimmerman’s lawyer told reporters that his client “hasn’t been very lucky with the ladies” after Zimmerman was arrested for domestic violence yet again on Friday. Yep, and chainsaws “haven’t been very lucky” with trees.

George Zimmerman’s lawyer told reporters that his client “hasn’t been very lucky with the ladies” after Zimmerman was arrested for domestic violence yet again on Friday. Not like the way he’s been lucky with the Floridian justice system, that’s for sure.

A coyote was caught on an Upper West Side basketball court. Um, this city is a jungle, coyote, not a desert. Get out of here.

A coyote was caught on an Upper West Side basketball court. It drew local attention not for being a coyote in the middle of the city, but for having excellent jump shot form.

Beyoncé posted a picture to Instagram of herself buried in sand, with a sand-sculpted pregnant stomach. OK, I don’t know if that means she’s pregnant again or not, but this time the belly-reveal is definitely fake.

Former Miami Dolphins player Rob Konrad claims he swam nine miles to shore after falling off his boat. It’s a truly amazing story, especially since halfway through he got trapped in a plastic soda can ring.

Mitt Romney is reportedly gearing up to run for President for a third time in 2016. Now his campaign record will be as bronzed as his face.

Mitt Romney is reportedly gearing up to run for President for a third time in 2016. Jesus Christ, somebody get this guy a real job.

ISIS sympathizers hijacked U.S. military social media accounts. But if they they really wanted to do some damage, why not go after someone who’s actually powerful on Twitter, like Justin Bieber?

Boston has been chosen as the U.S. city bidding to host the 2024 Olympic games, with the campaign slogan,
“Pahk the Olympic games cah in the Hahvahd yahd.”

Boston has been chosen as the U.S. city bidding to host the 2024 Olympic games, but if they get it they only actually want to host Ireland.

Kraft Foods has admitted that they’ve tinkered with the recipe of Cadbury creme eggs so that the eggs’ outside chocolate shells are not made from Cadbury’s Dairy Milk chocolate, but instead a standard cocoa mix. What other harsh realities are they going to expose to us?? Is the Easter Bunny not even real??

Kraft Foods has admitted that they’ve tinkered with the recipe of Cadbury creme eggs so that the eggs’ outside chocolate shells are not made from Cadbury’s Dairy Milk chocolate, but instead a standard cocoa mix. Ugh now eating Cadbury eggs at Easter will be no more special than what I do every day, which is  dump half-and-half and powdered hot chocolate mix in my mouth and swish it around.

Radar Online reports that Real Housewives of New Jersey star Teresa Giudice is being required to perform daily chores in prison, like making her own bed and mopping her cell floor. Sounds like she’s learning to be a real housewife.

Kelly Osbourne says the new season of E!’s Fashion Police will be “no holds barred.” Joan Rivers must be rolling over her eyes in her grave.

A state lawmaker in Arizona wants to ban the use of Electronic Benefits Transfer cards for fast food purchases within the state, calling McDonald’s a “luxury.” If she’s ever eaten there, she should know it’s not.

A state lawmaker in Arizona wants to ban the use of Electronic Benefits Transfer cards for fast food purchases within the state. Look, if you really want to punish people with EBT cards, make it so they can only get McDonald’s.

Miley Cyrus posed naked in a bathtub for V Magazine. Miley, if you’re trying to be edgy, it’d be weirder to be fully clothed in a bathtub, right?

InTouch magazine photoshopped Bruce Jenner to look like he’s wearing makeup. There are many things about this that are offensive, but the worst is that they got the coloring all wrong–clearly he’s an Autumn.

InTouch magazine photoshopped Bruce Jenner to look like he’s wearing makeup. Kim Kardashian, on the other hand, always requests to be photoshopped to appear as if she’s wearing less makeup.

Kris Jenner is upset that InTouch magazine photoshopped Bruce Jenner wearing makeup, claiming he’s transitioned into becoming a woman. Oh, sure, like this is the first time a Kardashian’s been photoshopped.

Kris Jenner is upset that InTouch magazine photoshopped Bruce Jenner wearing makeup, claiming he’s transitioned into becoming a woman. “It’s just mean,” she said. “Yeah, so was our marriage,” Bruce replied.

Kris Jenner is upset that InTouch magazine photoshopped Bruce Jenner wearing makeup. “It’s just mean,” she said. “They never make me look that good.”

Air France bought 20,000 copies of the latest edition of Charlie Hebdo to give out to passengers. Really? On an airplane? Somebody didn’t never forget 9/11.

Star magazine claims Taylor Swift slipped Lorde alcohol at a Golden Globes party. Uh, yeah, why else would Lorde hang out with Taylor Swift?

A man ditched out of robbing a convenience store in Colorado when he realized he knew the owner. It’s the only time the line “Oh, hey…you!…” has worked out.

A British talk show host told a story about listening to a four-minute voicemail from a call her son accidentally made to her while he was having sex. Yeah, that’s pretty weird, but it’s still weirder that British people spell things like “shop” with two “p”s and an “e.”

Lassana Bathily, the Malian immigrant who saved hostages in France last week, is going to be rewarded with French citizenship. Wow, in America, you just have to memorize a few lines from the Constitution for citizenship.

Lassana Bathily, the Malian immigrant who saved hostages in France last week, is going to be rewarded with French citizenship. “Hm, I don’t know if I want to stay–it seems kind of dangerous here,” said Bathily.

 

 

 

 

Advertisements