Bill Gates posted a video of himself drinking water that a machine had converted into potable H₂O from poop. Makes sense; Apple has been making him eat shit for years.

Fifty Shades of Grey has officially been rated R. I’m over 17 but I still feel like I’m never going to be old enough to see it.

House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) was re-elected to a third term, despite 25 Republicans voting against him. It’s like Mean Girls for Washington.

House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) was re-elected to a third term, despite 25 Republicans voting against him. 25 Republicans voted against a white guy? Maybe he’ll rethink all of that self-tanner.

Sony is bringing back the Walkman as a “throwback.” Honestly technology has advanced so much that at this point, Apple could bring back the iPod as a “throwback.”

Sony is bringing back the Walkman, because it’s so low-tech North Korea won’t be able to hack it.

People are calling Greece’s potential withdrawal from the eurozone a “Grexit.” Ugh. Just Irish Goodbye from the eurozone and don’t make such a big deal out of it, Greece.

There’s an uproar over teens not knowing who Paul McCartney is, crediting Kanye West with showcasing an “unknown artist” on his new song. But if John and Yoko had had their way over Beatles writing credits, he would be.

ESPN anchor Stuart Scott died after an inspirational 7-year battle with cancer. But some Monday morning quarterback jerk is probably gonna say he should’ve used more defense.

A woman named Jackie McBurnie was arrested for arson on New Year’s Day. Look, if her family didn’t want this to happen, they should have changed their name to McMurderie or McStabbie or something.

A group of flight attendants say United fired them for refusing to fly on a Hong Kong-bound 747 that had the words “BYE BYE” and a frowning face mysteriously written in oil on the fuselage. “Um, yeah, it was a MALAYSIAN plane that crashed, this one’s fine,” said United.

More than 60 Dartmouth students have been charged with cheating in an ethics class. Which means more than 60 Dartmouth students are being headhunted by Wall Street firms.

David Petraeus may face felony charges for sharing classified information with his mistress while he was director of the C.I.A. That’s some weird pillow talk.

David Petraeus may face felony charges for sharing classified information with his mistress while he was director of the C.I.A. I’m more disturbed by the fact that David Petraeus’ mistress is unclassified–you’d think the director of the C.I.A. would be able to hide his extramarital affairs a little better.

President Obama announced a multibillion dollar plan to make the first two years of community college free for all students “willing to work for it.” But isn’t the whole point of community college to not do any work?

President Obama announced a multibillion dollar plan to make the first two years of community college free for all students. “Not that I’d send my kids there,” he added.

President Obama announced a multibillion dollar plan to make the first two years of community college free for all students. “That’s communist!” shouted critics who could really benefit from the plan.

Romance novelist Nicholas Sparks is splitting up with his wife. Mandy Moore will play his shriveled, saddened heart in the film adaptation of the novelization of his divorce proceedings, and yes, she will probably insist on singing something in the middle of the movie.

Dozens of school buses crashed in the Washington, D.C. area after officials opted not to close for snow. Officials are blaming the weather. “Uh, duh, that’s what we’re mad about,” said students and families.

Dozens of school buses crashed in the Washington, D.C. area after officials opted not to close for snow. Officials are blaming the weather, which is shocking only in that they’re not blaming Obama.

Dozens of school buses crashed in the Washington, D.C. area after officials opted not to close for snow. “Well, we couldn’t declare a state of emergency…D.C. isn’t a state,” said officials.