This Week’s Jokes: Week of 12/29/14

The State of California has decreed Solange must pay $55,000 for unpaid taxes from 2010-2012. Wow, embarrassing–Beyoncé would owe like SIX TIMES that amount.

A man in Brazil drove two hours with a twelve-inch knife stuck in his head to get to a hospital. But I mean, where else are you gonna go with a twelve-inch knife stuck in your head? Hooters? He did the right thing.

A man in Brazil drove two hours with a twelve-inch knife stuck in his head to get to a hospital, which still makes access to healthcare in Brazil more accessible than it is in the U.S.

Ja Rule said that as far as top contemporary female rappers go, it’s basically just Iggy Azalea and Nicki Minaj. And anyone who actually likes rap said, “basically just Nicki Minaj.”

Ja Rule said that as far as top contemporary female rappers go, today it’s basically just Iggy Azalea and Nicki Minaj. And for anyone who’s forgotten all about Ja Rule, he also added, “and I’m reaaallllll.”

Ja Rule said that as far as top contemporary female rappers go, today it’s basically just Iggy Azalea and Nicki Minaj. And as far as contemporary male rappers, basically “anyone but me.”

Coca Cola shut down voicemail for its entire staff, because Coca Cola’s mom kept calling and leaving messages that just said “Hi, call me back” and maybe now she’ll learn how to send a freaking text.

Facebook launched its “Year in Review” app, just the latest and greatest way that Facebook enables users to get angry over other people’s happiness.

Facebook launched its “Year in Review” app, which is either nice or terrible, depending on how many people you know who died this year.

Jennifer Lawrence is Hollywood’s top grossing actor for 2014, according to Forbes. And also Hollywood’s top grossest actor, because ew did you hear she like farts and burps and stuff like OMG she’s just so down to earth girl crush BFF LOL.

Ariana Grande says she’s “repulsed by Santa.” But to be fair, there are probably a lot of old men who want Ariana Grande to sit on their lap who’ve set a bad precedent for her.

Dustin Diamond was arrested for allegedly stabbing someone with a switchblade over pictures the victim was taking of him. I totally get it, but I usually just ask people to untag me later.

New York City’s homeless population has hit a record high of 58,913. New York! If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere! And if you can’t, well, you’re probably part of that 58,913.

Rep. Steve Scalise confirmed that he presented at a 2002 white supremacist conference. But hey, who among us can’t say we didn’t do something stupid in 2002? Remember UGGs and UFO pants?

Rep. Steve Scalise confirmed that he presented at a 2002 white supremacist conference. “But it’s OK, my presentation was more like, ‘whites are cool and maybe other people too!'” said the Congressman.

Gwyneth Paltrow helped her hairstylist lose 135 pounds, because her stylist dropped Gwyneth Paltrow as a client.

Three counties in Florida have ended the practice of courthouse weddings to avoid performing ceremonies for gay couples. “It’s disgusting,” said officials. “I mean, have you seen these courthouses? So tacky! They can do better!”

A North Korean defector now working as an activist in South Korea told the Associated Press that he plans to drop 100,000 copies of The Interview into North Korea by balloon. Even Seth Rogen and James Franco have to ask, “Why?”

A North Korean defector now working as an activist in South Korea told the Associated Press that he plans to drop 100,000 copies of The Interview into North Korea by balloon. “Gee, thanks,” said oppressed North Koreans. “We would have loved some food or water, but hey, this is great too.”

Kaley Cuoco has apologized for telling Redbook she’s not a feminist. Cool, when’s she gonna apologize for Big Bang Theory?

A British couple is facing up to $200,000 in unexpected hospital bills after delivering a baby 11 weeks early while vacationing in New York City. They should just shut up and be grateful they have an AMERICAN baby now.

A British couple is facing up to $200,000 in unexpected hospital bills after delivering a baby 11 weeks early while vacationing in New York City. Look guys that’s why you skip the scam-y, tourist-y shit and just bum around the East Village or whatever.

Bono said he may never play guitar again after a bike accident late in 2014. But that’s OK, he hasn’t lost his Edge.

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