This Week’s Jokes: Week of 12/1/14

People magazine accidentally published a pre-written obituary for Kirk Douglas. If an obituary is prematurely published to a website…and everybody reads it…is the person already dead?

People magazine accidentally published a pre-written obituary for Kirk Douglas. But at least now he’ll get to fact-check it.

Despite all the hype, retailers reported that Black Friday sales actually dropped this year. “I guess we’ll just have to open even earlier in 2015,” said a spokesman.

Starting this year, you’ll be able to order Girl Scout cookies online. And Girl Scouts will be able to earn merit badges through the Kim Kardashian iPhone game.

Starting this year, you’ll be able to order Girl Scout cookies online. They’ll be delivered by an Amazon drone dressed in a Girl Scout uniform.

A GOP Congressional staffer resigned after getting into trouble for making overly harsh comments about the Obama daughters on her personal Facebook page. However, she still managed to get in a few shots about Bo and this year’s White House Christmas tree before she left.

Kristin Cavallari tweeted that she didn’t go to the much-publicized Laguna Beach 10-year high school reunion because she was a year behind everyone in that class. And if you think this is actual news, you’re 10 years behind everyone with good taste.

Rolling Stone announced that U2’s “Songs of Innocence” tops its list of top albums for 2014. Wait, sorry. Apple just put it there.

Snooki had a Great Gatsby-themed wedding, but it was just so she could have one of her old Jersey Shore rivals killed in a car crash.

Snooki had a Great Gatsby-themed wedding, which seems like sort of an odd choice until you realize that America’s tiring of the debauchery and depravity in the later seasons of Jersey Shore mirrors the late-’20s disillusionment with the Jazz Age as a whole. Or, maybe she just thought it looked cool.

President Obama wants $75 million in federal funding for police body cameras. His main strategy to sell it to the American public is “think about how cool the videos will be when they’re doing like cool spin moves in cop cars and stuff.”

Microsoft is getting rid of clip art. Yet another reason to hate emojis.

Microsoft is getting rid of clip art. Thansfully, thousands of clip arts will be donated to museums around the world for posterity.

 

 

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