Weddings are #expensive. But yours doesn’t have to be! As long as you’re attending someone else‘s that is, it’s easy to get your dream day for a fraction of the price.
Step 1: Get invited
Any bride will tell you that the most difficult part of planning a wedding is making the guest list. (Except for you–the most difficult part for you is paying for it. You’re poor, remember? That’s why you’re reading this article! Ca-ching!)
You’ll have to be careful to ensure you make the final cut. There are many ways you can hint to the bride and groom that you’d like an invite by showing them what a close, loving friend you are, but the absolutely most important thing you can do is this: As soon as they announce their engagement, make sure they never see you toooooo drunk. (A little sloppy’s OK, as long as it’s between Tuesday and Sunday.) You don’t want them so worried you’ll cause a scene with Uncle Frank in the coatroom that you never even see their save-the-date! Trick them into thinking you’re well-behaved and drink responsibly, and that automatically puts you ahead of at least half their friends.
Step 2: BYO flask
Oh, hush. It wouldn’t be the first time someone snuck a few nips o’ the hard stuff in a church. Plus, it’s all part of your cost-saving strategy: If you get yourself drunk, you’re free to order as many free reception cocktails as you like–to go! Take ’em all home, sister–you’re stocking the bar for your own wedding. Pro tip: Bring extra flasks or a thermos to pour your free wedding booze into so you’re not juggling glasses. Nothing puts a damper on a wedding like seeing a guest who’s had more drinks than she can carry!
Step 3: Recycle their stationery
Nice paper can get pretty pricey. So when guests are filing out of the ceremony, offer to collect the program books, and take note: Are they printed double-sided? No? Jackpot. Take them home, print out your own ceremony details on the blank side, and hide the side with the incriminating evidence under dried rose petals or chewed pieces of gum or whatever. If anyone questions you, recycle-shame them: Yell something like, “Trees feel pain at 110x the strength that humans do!” or “You probably took the logging company’s side when you watched Fern Gully!”
Step 4: Use their photo booth to take your engagement pictures
A trend has emerged in recent years for couples to take photos to announce their engagement. That’s right. Wedding photos before the wedding. Like, way before! You won’t even look good in them! It’s just supposed to be like, the two of you on a normal day or whatever. AKA a “before” picture you’ll look back on in shame after you lose that 30 pounds that’s keeping you from having your perfect pretty pretty princess day.
Do. Not. Pay. For. That. Shit. Instead, maneuver your way to the front of the line at the photo booth during the reception. (Another recent trend. Trust us, they’ll have one.) Shove your fiancé inside, jump in after them, and strike a pose before the timer goes off and grandma and grandpa are ushered in for their turn. Head to Kinkos afterwards to make copies of the single printout you get at the reception, or just request multiples when you’re writing your well-wishes in the guest book/photo collage.
Step 5: Get the gown
If you’re a close friend of the bride, you may find yourself in the wedding party. Congratulations! This is such an honor for you. And, it puts you in the perfect position to steal her wedding dress as soon as she changes for the honeymoon! But be subtle about it: Offer to take her bag of wedding clothes home with you when the night is over, so she doesn’t have to deal with getting a six-foot veil through airport security. Then, when she gets back from her trip…well, just don’t give it back. That’s really it. And if she gets mad, just give her your bridesmaid dress–she did say it could be worn again!
Bonus: Now you don’t have to pay for wedding photos, either. Just wait for her to post hers on Facebook, then make copies and photoshop your head onto her body! Easy peesy! But remember to photoshop your groom’s head in, too–you’re just trying to save a little money here, not steal anyone’s husband! (Because divorce is also expensive.)