This Week’s Jokes: Week of 11/17/14

Solange Knowles got married over the weekend. AND BEYONCE WAS THERE!!!

A Princess Cruise ship docked with 170 people who’d caught the enterovirus, which causes vomiting and diarrhea. A  cruise spokesperson said the crew would work with the CDC to disinfect the boat, then set sail with new passengers. “Everything’s fine,” said the spokesperson. “Shit-shape.”

Charles Manson is engaged to a 26-year-old. There are a lot of things wrong with that, but the worst is that it’s not me. 😥

Nickelback wrote a protest anthem inspired by events in Ferguson. Guys we have to do something about the injustices there, we can’t let Nickelback get inspired by things.

A study found that looking down at your cell phone is like having a 60-pound weight on your neck. If you don’t believe me go look it up on your phone.

A study found that looking down at your cell phone is like having a 60-pound weight on your neck. So GET OFF MY BACK ABOUT BEING ON MY PHONE AT DINNER, I’VE ALREADY GOT 60 POUNDS ON THERE.

Former NASA astronaut Marsha Nivins described the experience of going into space, saying ““Without gravity, bodily fluids move toward your head. It’s a great face-lift.” See? Science is for girls, too!

Mattel has pulled a Barbie book critics said was sexist because it featured Barbie learning about computers, but not being able to finish her program design without the help of two boys. But to be fair, those boys probably think of Barbie whenever they need help to finish.

Mattel has pulled a Barbie book critics said was sexist because it featured Barbie learning about computers, but not being able to finish her program design without the help of two boys. It’s not because she’s dumb, though; it’s because with her proportions, Barbie lacks the arm strength to even pick up a laptop.

A Polish playground has banned Winnie the Pooh because he doesn’t wear pants, which is a little harsh. It’s hard enough for me as an adult human woman to find pants that fit–what hope does a cartoon bear have?

Jennifer Aniston is losing weight for a new movie called Cake. Hopefully it’s just 90 minutes of Jennifer Aniston eating cake until she gains the weight back.

Jennifer Aniston is losing weight for a new movie called Cake, in her most dramatic transformation for a role since getting “The Rachel.”

Jennifer Aniston is losing weight for a new movie called Cake. Hollywood insiders predict millions of women will go into salons demanding “The Cake” and be redirected to a bakery.

Kim Kardashian told an Australian radio station that she would be fine with daughter North West posing nude 20 years from now. So when she’s 21? You’ll make her wait 3 whole years after she turns 18? Geez what a prude.

 

 

 

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