Al Roker is attempting to break the Guinness World Record for the longest continuous weather report. “The only way we’ll stop him is if there are health concerns,” said NBC. “Like that he’ll bore our viewers to death.”

President Obama said he thinks the Internet should be reclassified as a public utility, meaning it would be seen as a necessity like electricity. This of course angered a lot of people, because the Internet is WAY more important than electricity.

The Washington Post reported that the US Postal Service was hacked, and it looks like the Chinese government was behind it. That seems oddly unambitious for China.

The Washington Post reported that the US Postal Service was hacked, and it looks like the Chinese government was behind it. Oh no! They know all our MAIL secrets now!

PAPER magazine tweeted out its latest cover featuring Kim Kardashian’s naked behind, along with the message: “BTW, this is our new cover.” Think they meant BBW.

PAPER magazine has a photo of an oiled up, half-naked Kim Kardashian showing off her gigantic butt on its cover. Well, a gigantic butt.

PAPER magazine has a photo of an oiled up, half-naked Kim Kardashian showing off her gigantic butt on its cover. The photo also features an unpictured gigantic “but…” since it’s totally photoshopped.

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo star June “Mama June” Shannon told Dr. Phil photos of her with convicted child molester Mark McDaniel are fake. “Right. And those pictures of my ass are real,” said Kim Kardashian.

A historian uncovered a letter written to Martin Luther King, Jr.–allegedly by the FBI–that threatened to release an audiotape of King engaging in an affair. Oh man, can you imagine if they had released it? A sex tape would have been great for his career. [Editor’s note: Don’t worry, this is the last Kim Kardashian/Kim Kardashian-ish joke. Sorry.]

Kobe Bryant made history Tuesday, setting the NBA record for missed field goals. “It’s amazing. Not a lot of the guys play football, and even fewer are this bad at it,” said an NBA official.

Kobe Bryant made history Tuesday, setting the NBA record for missed field goals with 13,421 career missed shots. “Keep asking me about it and we’ll see how good at shooting I am,” said Bryant.

The Health and Human Services Advisory Committee on Blood & Tissue Safety & Availability voted to relax the current federal policies on gay men donating blood. Not relaxing on the length of that name, though.

According to the Associated Press, Al Qaeda and ISIS are joining forces. They’re like the Cream of terrorist groups.

According to the Associated Press, Al Qaeda and ISIS are joining forces. People are panicking. No, sorry, People magazine is panicking, trying to figure out what their celebrity couple name should be.

James Gandolfini was inducted into the “New Jersey Hall of Fame” this week, along with gum chewing, urban sprawl, an inferiority complex and a guy who yelled “Yo fuck dem Yankees” at a bar in Manhattan one time.