This Week’s Jokes: Week of 11/3/14


A restaurant hostess in Atlanta was fired for using a racial slur in front of customers. But she was just trying to give them an authentic southern experience.

Taylor Swift’s 1989 is well on its way to setting the record for the biggest sales week for a female artist, overtaking Britney Spears’ 2000 album Oops!…I Did It Again. Leave Britney alone!

A woman used crowdfunding to pay for an Uber that cost her over $350 because of Halloween surge pricing. I would need to crowdsource just to pay for a regular Uber ride.

A company that operates multiple dating websites has been ordered by the Federal Trade Commission to pay more than $600,000 for charging people to look at fake dating profiles for nonexistent people. “What? We promised we’d help them find their fantasy date,” said the company.

The co-founder of the Weather Channel said yesterday that climate change is “not happening.” Dude, it’s more weather! That’s good for you!

Clay Aiken lost the election for North Carolina’s second congressional district. But once again, he won our nation’s and Paula Abdul’s hearts.

Authorities in Florida are searching for an armed quadruple amputee who’s reportedly been on the run since Tuesday, hoping to question him about his involvement in a double murder. Unfortunately, they’ll never find him, because “armed amputee” is an oxymoron.

A man faces multiple charges after attempting to eat his DWI breathalyzer test results. He was found out when they gave him a breathalyzer test that can read whether or not you’ve ingested a breathalyzer test.

Michael Jordan called Barack Obama a “a shitty golfer.” Oooooh, rich and powerful people insults!

John Gosselin told E! News he’d happily go back on TV with his ex-wife, for the kids. “The kids” is what he calls his massive credit card bills.

So-called “Human Barbie” Valeria Lukyanova claims she was attacked by strangers outside her apartment in Odessa, Ukraine. Apparently they picked up her and the guy that wants to be the “Human Ken” and mashed their faces against each other for a few minutes, then tossed them into a corner with their other toys.

Someone paid $300,000 to eat a lasagna dinner at Bruce Springsteen’s house. Springsteen apparently really needs the money, or really needs to get rid of some leftovers.

Someone paid $300,000 to eat a lasagna dinner at Bruce Springsteen’s house. Crazy that Bruce Springsteen and Garfield have been the same person all this time.