This Week’s Jokes: Week of 10/13/14

A Scottish woman found a three-inch leech living inside her nose. An actual leech in her nose; not a euphemism for a cocaine habit.

A couple in Georgia was arrested and charged with cruelty to children in the first degree after allegedly giving their two-year-old son a mixed drink made of Coke and 40 proof Paul Masson Brandy. “Cruelty?” said the parents. “If we were trying to be cruel, we would have given him Jack Daniels.”

New York City’s John F. Kennedy International Airport is the first in the U.S. to start screening passengers for Ebola symptoms. When asked why start in NYC, officials said, “New York, New York! If you can get it here, you can get it anywhere!”

Catholic Church bishops declared that gay partnerships have value and that LGBT people have plenty of gifts to offer the church. They mean money, right?

Iggy Azalea told a photographer, “I hope you have Ebola.” Way harsh; Ebola is, like, the least fancy of all the diseases.

Iggy Azalea told a photographer, “I hope you have Ebola.” He came into contact with Iggy Azalea? I think I hope he has Ebola, too.

A nurse working in an Italian hospital has been arrested as part of an investigation into the deaths of 38 patients who, cops said, she may have injected with potassium chloride because they or their family members were “annoying.” Isn’t it refreshing to see that we’re blaming an Italian for a death that isn’t mob-related, though? Pretty progressive if you ask me.

Beyoncé has bangs again. Public consensus is that they’re not really working for her. Stop trying to bang Beyoncé, Beyoncé.

Over the last year, over 2,200 luxury customers have complained that their coveted Hermès handbags smell like skunks. Ugh. Rich people. Always thinking that their shit and their bags won’t stink.

John Grisham said he thinks that some people view child porn “accidentally.” Sounds like he might need one of those people he’s always writing books about.

The Pentagon has formally named the fight against ISIS “Operation Inherent Resolve.”  What a shame that it’s come to this: a name that is way too long to be a good hashtag.

To make people feel better about Ebola, Obama recently “hugged and kissed” nurses who had treated Ebola patients in the U.S. Not sure if that means Obama isn’t afraid of Ebola or he isn’t afraid of cooties.

A Jennifer Lopez fan is trying to get a street named after her in the Bronx. She’s still Jenny from the block, but she also IS the block now.

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