A new survey from Cats Protection, the UK’s leading feline welfare charity, shows that most cats don’t like being held or pet. Also on the list of things cats don’t like: everything.

Michael Phelps announced that after getting his second DUI in 10 years, he’s decided to go to rehab. “I still want to swim like a fish, but I’m tired of drinking like one, too,” said Phelps.

The NSA is starting a camp for teens. I don’t know, I don’t think they’re going to improve their public perception by turning a bunch of kids into snitches.

The head of the Centers for Disease Control said the Ebola outbreak could be “the world’s next AIDS.” “Oh, WHATEVER,” said AIDS.

A TV show based on Cosmopolitan magazine is in development, which is good, because Cosmo readers kinda really hate reading.

A U.S. Airways flight from Philadelphia to the Dominican Republic was held upon landing after a sneezing passenger joked about having Ebola. See, this is why everybody hates Philadelphians.

A U.S. Airways flight from Philadelphia to the Dominican Republic was held upon landing after a sneezing passenger joked about having Ebola. But come on, that’s only like the 10th shittiest thing someone from Philly’s ever done.

Bottles of a marijuana-laced soda sold legally in Washington State have been exploding on store shelves. Yes, the pot pop is popping!

Bottles of a marijuana-laced soda sold legally in Washington State have been exploding on store shelves. Stores are frantically trying to weed out the bad bottles of weed.

Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes named their new baby daughter “Esmeralda Amada.” “Our daughter’s going to grow up having it all,” said the couple. “So we thought we should keep her humble with a dumb-ass name.”