This Week’s Jokes: Week of 9/22/14

Thousands of protesters were in NYC for the Global Climate Change march on Sunday. “I drove all the way from Florida to be here,” said one guy who didn’t really get it.

The St. Louis County and Municipal Police Academy has decided to offer a continuing education course this fall called “Officer-Involved Shooting – You Can Win With The Media.” How about “Officer-Involved Shooting — Try to Avoid It”?

The St. Louis County and Municipal Police Academy has decided to offer a continuing education course this fall called “Officer-Involved Shooting – You Can Win With The Media.” Of course, the class’s original title was “Officer-Involved Shooting – Enter the Spin Zone!!!”

A man in Bristol, England waited in the iPhone 6 line for two full days in order to win back his wife, who had left him last month after twenty years of marriage. “Oh, I’m not getting the phone for her,” the man clarified. “I just need to call her.”

Kanye West apparently asked Seth Rogen and James Franco to perform their “Bound 2” parody at his wedding. Sounds like a trap.

Kanye West apparently asked Seth Rogen and James Franco to perform their “Bound 2” parody at his wedding, then changed his mind. But for a brief, fleeting moment there…Kanye West had a sense of humor.

Damian Abraham, lead singer of the band Fucked Up, will be a moderator in an upcoming Toronto mayoral debate. That seems a little name of his band.

Quartz reports fewer Americans are eating breakfast at home. Those damn kids do everything online these days!

Miss America 2014 was once kicked out of her sorority for brutal hazing. Uh yeah, it’s Miss America, not Miss Congeniality.

Miss America 2014 was once kicked out of her sorority for brutal hazing. Which was why she entered the pageant: to get a scholarship, go back to school, and FINISH WHAT SHE STARTED.

A grand jury cleared NASCAR driver Tony Stewart of any charges in the death of fellow driver Kevin Ward, Jr. earlier this year. The NFL cleared him of any wrongdoing months ago.

Kim Kardashian was assaulted at a fashion show in Paris by the same man who has assaulted stars like America Ferrera and Brad Pitt. “Finally! Someone who considers me a real celebrity!” said Kardashian.

Virgin CEO Richard Branson said he thinks his employees should have as much vacation time as they want. “Ugh, but do we have to fly Virgin if we take it?” said the employees.

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